Ways to Know Who You Really Are

We, all of us, go around looking for others to satisfy our needs and wants. We want our spouses to be more attentive or more romantic. We want the guy on the freeway to pay attention to where we are and to give us our due. We want our boss to like and praise us. We want our mothers to love us or validate us. And the list goes on.

Other people in our lives are simply mirrors for us. We project on to them our own pictures, our own needs and wants and stories. I believe this idea was originated by Carl Jung. The wonderful thing about this idea is that absolutely everyone we come into contact with can provide us with incredible self-knowledge and awareness if we only choose to look.

The first time I truly realized how little of what we think we know about other people is illusion was in my former workplace. I and a friend were walking down the hall talking. At the other end of a very long hall was a guy I'll call "Bob". Bob was walking towards us, but still a long way off. At this point my friend said in a very caustic voice "Can you believe Bob? What a jerk! He's avoiding me because he hates me and I don't like him either." This was said as he turned down another hallway. I, on the other hand, have always had good experiences with Bob. He loaned me his car once when my car broke down. I'd been at meetings with him and always found him courteous and knowledgeable. So I liked him. I had been thinking of raising my hand and saying hi to him. I realized in an instant how much of what we think is true is just made up in our own minds. How could our experience of the exact same event have been so different?

For example, in this case, Bob could have been going to the restroom which was in the hall he turned down. He could have been avoiding my friend or me or both. He might not have even seen us, that is, been thinking deeply about something and not aware of his surroundings. He might hate me and like her or be neutral to us both. There is no way for either of us to know what he was thinking or why he turned away. Even asking wouldn't necessarily be the truth, because Bob could have lied or even not totally have known his own reasoning for why he did what he did. I was projecting my own story of "I like Bob and people are generally benign/friendly" onto Bob and my friend was projecting her own story of "Bob doesn't like me and the world is generally an unfriendly place."

Here's another brief example of how this works. Again, at a corporate job I had some years back, I was walking down the hall and passed the VP I worked for. I said "Hi, Bill!" enthusiastically. He didn't even look my way and passed me by. (Has this ever happened to you?!!) I was sure he'd heard me and was pointedly ignoring me. I spent several days being upset, sure I'd done something wrong and he was angry with me, even thinking I might be fired. Notice this is all about me. A few days later, Bill popped into my office with a big grin on his face. "Hey, Mary Anne, how's things?!" I was surprised and played along. We talked as if nothing had occurred. He even mentioned he hadn't seen me in a few weeks. I finally blurted out that I'd seen him just three days before in this very hall. He looked perplexed and said he must have been thinking about something and just didn't hear me. Notice all the stories I made up based on my own beliefs (that he saw and heard me) and my own stories, my lack of self-confidence and concern about authority. Bill was perfectly "mirroring" for me my own insecurity about my job and my lack of assertiveness with authority figures. It was right there for me to see, because this wasn't about Bill, it was about my thoughts, beliefs, emotions and "stories".

The point is that all of our reactions to people and events are our own. We "make them up" based on our own history, beliefs, temperament, conditioning, values, etc. We project, unconsciously mostly, on to others our own stories and needs.

That might be a little hard to swallow. But I am betting that if you test it out, you'll know it's true. How many times have you thought one thing about a situation only later to find out it wasn't true at all? How many times have you heard several people describe the same event in startling different ways?

Here's a little exercise to tell you what you are really needing (another way of saying who you are at this time) by using others as a mirror.

Exercise:

• Write down a list of all the things you wish your spouse would do for you. ( for example, wish he were kinder or with he would listen to me) (another variation of this is to write down all the qualities you want in a mate)
• Write down a list of all the things you wish your best friend would do for you. (for example, wish she would be more respectful of my time)
• Write down a list of all the things you wish your parents would do for you. (for example, wish your father would say I love you, wish your mother would not put you down or criticize you)

Now take the entire list and analyze it by asking these questions:

• In what way do I not do that for myself? (for example, in what way am I not kind to myself)
• In what area(s) of my life do I not do that for my self?
• For myself, do I ___________ (listen to my self, be kind to myself, criticize my self, etc.)

The idea here is that if you need more kindness in your life, you will project that need on to others and they will be seen as unkind. Or you will attract unkind people in to your life because of the belief and need. After all if you need more kindness, it means you are bereft of kindness or even have a life filled with unkindness. Somewhere there is a lack of kindness and it is that "lack" that is projected.

The good news is that you can change this simply by giving what you need to yourself. If it is kindness that you need, be kind to yourself. If you need to be listened to, listen carefully to yourself, validate your own words. If you need to be loved, love yourself. Do the things that a mother or a lover would do for you to make you feel loved. Once the need is satisfied, the projection on to others will change. You will have kind people show up in your life or a love interest will appear. In the law of attraction language, you get what you feel. If you are feeling loved, you will attract loving people. If you feel secure, you will attract secure and safe surroundings and people.

Test this out for yourself. See what you can learn about your own needs.

All blog content is copyrighted, all rights reserved, Mary Anne Fields and Life Unfolds, 2006