Can We Really Be Happy?

I believe that almost all of what we choose to do, have or be is done in the name of happiness. That is, if I do this or buy this or act this way, it will make me happier. The pursuit of happiness is a driving force in almost all of us. But how much of what we do is effective? Hardly any.

We most often look to our external situation to explain our unhappiness. I don't have enough money, therefore I'm unhappy. I don't have good health, therefore I'm unhappy. My spouse doesn't love me enough, therefore I'm unhappy. But what happens when we get these things? Studies show that when people win the lottery, after a few weeks or months, they return to their previous level of happiness or unhappiness. In other words, the money had a short-term effect on their happiness. You see this in relationships also. We find someone new, we fall in love, we're happy, it wears off, we're miserable. We find another, we fall in love, we're happy, it wears off, we're miserable or maybe just discontented. You get a new red sweater you've been wanting for ages, and the happiness last about five minutes.

Studies have also been done on how external situations affect happiness levels. They found that they didn't to any significant degree, and when they did have an effect, it didn't last. After all, there are people living with cancer or HIV that are extremely happy. There are those with nary a hangnail that complain all the time. There are wealthy miserable people and happy poor people. Studies have shown that genetics have at least a role to play in happiness. So does that mean we're stuck with whatever the genepool gave us? I don't think so.

We can change our overall level of happiness and have more sustained happiness by a three-pronged approach.

First is to meditate. Meditation changes your brain. It "trains" the mind to be quieter. It gives you a different perspective on life, more equanimity and calm, and more importantly (at least to me) is that it gives one distance from the dramas in life. It allows you to disengage from the things that normally would hook you and set you off. Let's say your husband does the same thing every week, like not taking out the garbage on garbage day. Every week you get mad, yell at him, take the trash out yourself and fume all day. When you are a regular meditator, the same event, your husband not taking out the trash may occur, but your reaction is totally different. You remain calm, objective and less emotional. You don't get "hooked" by this event.
I can't emphasize how important meditation is to my own happiness. It is not an immediate fix, but something that happens over time. You may meditate for a month or six months and then you'll one day notice how much calmer and happier you are.

Second is to avoid the things that make you unhappy or that do harm. You would think that this is obvious, but we don't seem to live our lives this way. How often do we choose to eat that bowl of fudge even though we know we're unhappy about our weight, we'll suffer from an upset digestive system, and we'll be miserable knowing that once again we "failed" at controlling our eating. How often do we indulge in buying things when we are deeply in debt, have debt collectors calling, cry at night about money, and yet we do it anyway? How often do we argue with our friends, our spouses or our children, knowing it makes them and ourselves unhappy? We know it is not constructive, but we do it anyway. So the decision has to be will this action make me happier or unhappier in the long run? Will this decision cause me harm or to suffer? Will it cause others harm or to suffer? Make the right choices and your life will be happier.

Third is to embrace (choose) the things that do make you happy. Do more of what makes you and others happy. Many of us deny ourselves the things that most excite us, that light us up. Maybe it is being outdoors or creating art, learning new things or spending time with children. Whatever it is, do more of it. Make more of your choices based on "will this add to my happiness or detract from it?" You'll probably notice that we hardly ever ask ourselves this question even though we yearn for happiness. It's a great question and can actually lead you to more happiness.

Choose happiness today.