The Deeper Question

A huge part of my practice is helping others to get the answers to the question: "What do I want?" Some of us know what we want, some of us think we know what we want and some of us have no clue. Depending on where you are spiritually, the answer to the question will come from your head, from thinking or "figuring it out" (that is, the ego) OR the answer will come from your spirit or better said, through your spirit. The only true answer will come from (or through) spirit. It is a deeper and more truthful and relevant answer than any you might come up with from your head or through figuring it out.

There are so many books available to help you "figure out" your life purpose. Believe me, I read them all! And nothing I did to "figure out" what my life purpose helped me find my life purpose. I had to look deeper for the answer. Look to the Universe, Consciousness, God or whatever your term for the source of all life for your answer. For me, meditation is the way I get in touch with my higher self or Consciousness. It is where my deeper questions are answered, by being still and listening.

I know that we all have purpose(s) on earth and our purpose will allow us to live who we really are and to excel, to express ourselves in a beautiful, abundant, conscious way. I believe that if we can be still, as Eckart Tolle calls it, if we can go beyond our daily existence as expressed by our egos, that the actions we need to take to express our purpose will come alive and will be known to
us.

Trust in the deeper answer as expressed through your spirit.

Resolve to Be You in 2008

It is a funny thing that most of us aren't really "us"! We are not the person we were meant to be or could have been without the influences of parents, school, church, spouses and society. As we grow up, most of us are molded into something less than our best. And by that I mean less than the best "You". We are pushed or encouraged to go to college and become a certain profession. We may be pushed to marry or marry for money or warned against marriage. We may be encouraged by our spouses to work or to stay at home, to remain dumb about money or to contribute. We may be told to be less tomboyish or to be more ladylike. There are a million different ways we are asked to fit in, to not make waves, or to be "normal".

One of our main jobs as adults is to figure out who we really are and who we are meant to be. I have a theory that the more authentic you are, that is, the more "the real you" you are, the happier you will be. In fact, I think not being yourself is the primary way most of us are unhappy. We are actually fighting ourselves in each and every moment. When we act as our true selves, we shine, we glow, we send off sparks. We have energy, we feel more at ease, we light up the world. When we are acting as someone else, we diminish our energy and feel uneasy in ourselves. We have many more difficulties such as poor health, poor relationships, confusion and indecision than we would if we were authentic.

Ask yourself these questions to start figuring out who you are meant to be.

1. What makes me light up or feel jazzed?
2. What things am I curious about that I'm avoiding?
3. Look back at the past five years. Can you identify a dozen things that you have said yes to? Things such as taking a certain career path? Marrying, divorcing or vowing bachelorhood? Particular fears you've allowed to take hold? In each case if you said yes to that action or path, what were you saying no to? These areas of "no" can be enlightening.
4. If you were writing your autobiography at this point in your life, what do you wish you could say?

Look at the answers to these questions and see if any areas that give you a glimpse into actions that are calling you. In 2008, try one or two of these to see if you can become more of the real you.

Can We Really Be Happy?

I believe that almost all of what we choose to do, have or be is done in the name of happiness. That is, if I do this or buy this or act this way, it will make me happier. The pursuit of happiness is a driving force in almost all of us. But how much of what we do is effective? Hardly any.

We most often look to our external situation to explain our unhappiness. I don't have enough money, therefore I'm unhappy. I don't have good health, therefore I'm unhappy. My spouse doesn't love me enough, therefore I'm unhappy. But what happens when we get these things? Studies show that when people win the lottery, after a few weeks or months, they return to their previous level of happiness or unhappiness. In other words, the money had a short-term effect on their happiness. You see this in relationships also. We find someone new, we fall in love, we're happy, it wears off, we're miserable. We find another, we fall in love, we're happy, it wears off, we're miserable or maybe just discontented. You get a new red sweater you've been wanting for ages, and the happiness last about five minutes.

Studies have also been done on how external situations affect happiness levels. They found that they didn't to any significant degree, and when they did have an effect, it didn't last. After all, there are people living with cancer or HIV that are extremely happy. There are those with nary a hangnail that complain all the time. There are wealthy miserable people and happy poor people. Studies have shown that genetics have at least a role to play in happiness. So does that mean we're stuck with whatever the genepool gave us? I don't think so.

We can change our overall level of happiness and have more sustained happiness by a three-pronged approach.

First is to meditate. Meditation changes your brain. It "trains" the mind to be quieter. It gives you a different perspective on life, more equanimity and calm, and more importantly (at least to me) is that it gives one distance from the dramas in life. It allows you to disengage from the things that normally would hook you and set you off. Let's say your husband does the same thing every week, like not taking out the garbage on garbage day. Every week you get mad, yell at him, take the trash out yourself and fume all day. When you are a regular meditator, the same event, your husband not taking out the trash may occur, but your reaction is totally different. You remain calm, objective and less emotional. You don't get "hooked" by this event.
I can't emphasize how important meditation is to my own happiness. It is not an immediate fix, but something that happens over time. You may meditate for a month or six months and then you'll one day notice how much calmer and happier you are.

Second is to avoid the things that make you unhappy or that do harm. You would think that this is obvious, but we don't seem to live our lives this way. How often do we choose to eat that bowl of fudge even though we know we're unhappy about our weight, we'll suffer from an upset digestive system, and we'll be miserable knowing that once again we "failed" at controlling our eating. How often do we indulge in buying things when we are deeply in debt, have debt collectors calling, cry at night about money, and yet we do it anyway? How often do we argue with our friends, our spouses or our children, knowing it makes them and ourselves unhappy? We know it is not constructive, but we do it anyway. So the decision has to be will this action make me happier or unhappier in the long run? Will this decision cause me harm or to suffer? Will it cause others harm or to suffer? Make the right choices and your life will be happier.

Third is to embrace (choose) the things that do make you happy. Do more of what makes you and others happy. Many of us deny ourselves the things that most excite us, that light us up. Maybe it is being outdoors or creating art, learning new things or spending time with children. Whatever it is, do more of it. Make more of your choices based on "will this add to my happiness or detract from it?" You'll probably notice that we hardly ever ask ourselves this question even though we yearn for happiness. It's a great question and can actually lead you to more happiness.

Choose happiness today.

Retire Early and Live, Retire Later and Die?

This article about retiring early is not only for mid-lifers. It is for everyone who works no matter the age. Young folks, listen well. You still have time to plan and save for an early retirement.

Here is a link to an article regarding early retirement and longevity. It's a compelling reason to look at retiring earlier than you may have considered previously.

http://faculty.kfupm.edu.sa/coe/gutub/english_misc/retire1.htm

In brief, the article cites studies that show a correlation between early retirement and longevity.

Here is a table.

Table 1 – Actuarial Study of life span vs. age at retirement.

Age at
Retirement Average Age At Death
49.9 86
51.2 85.3
52.5 84.6
53.8 83.9
55.1 83.2
56.4 82.5
57.2 81.4
58.3 80
59.2 78.5
60.1 76.8
61 74.5
62.1 71.8
63.1 69.3
64.1 67.9
65.2 66.8

I have no idea how well the studies were done or how big the population looked at. Apparently there were at least two studies done at Lockheed Martin and at Boeing. In Boeing's numbers, employees retiring at 65 typically received their pension checks for only 18 months. At Lockheed, employees retiring at 65 on average received their pension checks for 17 months. I think that these studies were done a couple of decades ago, so that may affect their results. People are generally healthier and more vital than in older times.

The supposed culprit in early death is work stress.

What can we take away from this? Obviously, not all of us are in a financial position to retire early. If you can't retire ahead of schedule, then what can you do?

Reduce job stress. This is very serious and can take as much as 20 years from your life span. Reduce job stress by taking breaks, changing jobs within a company or changing companies. Learn to take frequent breaks and meditate or do some deep breathing or take walks. This is not just to feel better, it is to save your life.

Take your vacation time every year without fail. No working while on vacation!

Do not take work home with you. Have a clear line between work and home to make it easier to relax when you are home.

Live your dreams. Changing to a career better suited to your lifestyle, your temperament and your desires and dreams, can literally add years to your life. It's worth the effort to figure out what you really want to do and start doing it.

Ask questions about your work life. Why are you working so hard? Whom does it serve? What do you gain from it? What do you lose? What underlying need are you fulfilling by striving and working so hard? Does this really serve you? In what ways? Do you still want the same things you wanted when you started your career (climbing the ladder, more money, prestige, a title, the corner office, your parent's approval, etc.). If not, what changes can you make right now? What do you like or not like about your current work? Your current job? Your current work environment?

Here is a link to another study of railroad workers that corroborates the above study, but not quite as dramatically. http://www.rrb.gov/opa/qa/pub_0702.asp

Here is a link to another study that shows a much smaller correlation between early retirement and longevity. http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1273451 It does not seem to corroborate the above studies. I also have heard of (although can't find particulars) that working longer makes you live longer. I suspect that is for those who have no life outside work. Wonder if the environments had significantly different stress rates? I don't think they actually looked at stress in any of these studies, however, stress has long been mentioned as a factor in illnesses and diseases, some of which lead to early death. I know I have worked in both the oil and aerospace industries, both in responsible IT jobs, and there was no comparison of the stress levels. Aerospace was by far more stressful. But that may have been at that time period, at that office, just my job, or whatever else could have affected it.

Either way, reducing stress on the job can only help and may save your life. I hope this will encourage you to start planning for this major life change now.

An Estrangement with Self

Those of you who have been in my workshops or my clients know that I strongly believe that happiness is tied to being who you really are, that is, your authentic self. Another way of saying that is being true to your self (your true self).

All of us are trained from birth to be a certain way. That certain way is the way of our parents, our extended family, our friends, our church, the media, our culture, our schools and others who may have an influence on our early selves. Many of us were taught to be the opposite of who we were naturally as a child. Maybe we were too inquisitive, too rambunctious, too quiet, too smart for our britches, too pushy, and the list goes on. Maybe we chose our schools and jobs based on our parents' or grandparents' wishes. The old alma mater which was perfect for Grandpa was chosen for you as well. And you may have been gently guided (or not so gently) into your career. Possibly because your parents saw this as a good, solid career, or a money-maker for your security, or to live out the lives they were unable to live. How many mothers have pushed their own daughters to be in a sorority because they were unable to attend college? Or pushed their sons to be doctors because they never had the opportunity?

This molding is not just around careers, it shows up in every area of our lives. If you've got a problem in your life such as financial concerns or relationship concerns, you can usually look back to see how your current beliefs and values and feelings about these things were left to you by your parents or your childhood and early adult experiences.

So basically, we are estranged from our true selves. From the Merriam Webster online dictionary, estranged means:
1 : to remove from customary environment or associations 2 : to arouse especially mutual enmity or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness : alienate.
In essence there is a true, natural self, one we were meant to be. Some people associate this with our personality and how we are "wired". Others believe this relates to our "purpose or mission" in this life. To be estranged from our true selves causes 90% of all our unhappiness and angst. And mostly we are blind to it. We wonder what is wrong with us that we can't be happy at this "great" job or why we can't settle down to a "nice" relationship. And, of course, the answer is that there is nothing wrong with us. The wrong comes in our being trained to be someone else besides ourselves.

We all know someone like this. The artist hidden inside the computer programmer. The doctor inside the teacher. The born to be a mom inside the woman in a yuppie childless couple. The outspoken clown inside the reserved, quiet person. It can take almost any form imaginable.

The road to authenticity can be long, but is well worth the journey. It takes experimentation, insight and awareness, love and kindness with yourself and courage. All of us can take this journey. The payoff is more happiness, confidence, solidity and self-knowledge.

Double Dare You

Are you thinking about doing something out of your comfort zone? Maybe something that feels a little wacky or uncomfortable? Possibly something that causes you to seize up and be afraid? Good for you!

Stepping outside your comfort zone has so many benefits and so few downsides that you'd be crazy not to do it. However, that's not what most of us do. We fantasize about it, we dream about it, but when the fear comes up or when others judge us for our desires, we close down and sit down squarely in the middle of our own personal comfortable box.

One of the main jobs of our egos is to keep us safe. The ego will advise us to stay the course, to choose "wisely" and be "rational", meaning to stay the same and don't take any risks. Our thoughts scare us into behaving ("I'll get hurt", "this wouldn't be good", "it can't turn out well, look at everyone else who has failed at this", etc.). Egos were formed mostly in early childhood. Things that were dangerous then, are no longer dangerous, but try to tell your ego that! This means that many of our thoughts about taking a risk or trying something new are based on faulty thoughts, beliefs and assumptions about what may happen.

Taking a calculated risk, stepping outside our comfort zone, trying something new and daring, all have benefits. Just a few of them are:

• we feel better, more exhilarated, more excitement and passion


• we win even if we fail because we always learn something about ourselves, we gain insight


• our lives take on new dimensions, we meet new people, we learn new skills, we often feel something new, we have new experiences


• we gain self-confidence


• these new experiences are often the "door opening" to something even bigger and better


• we look forward to these experiences with happy anticipation

I double dare you to step out, live large, be bold and experience life!

Please leave a comment and let me know what you're thinking about doing to step outside your comfort zone.

Take Out the Trash

I read this phrase, "take out the trash", recently in a movie review and thought how much trash is in each of our lives. We look around our home or office and say, hey, there's no trash here. We organize, we declutter, we simplify...no trash here. And we do keep our homes and cars clean, our lawns nice, but that's not all that needs to be cleaned up. We take better care of our homes and cars than we do ourselves and our spirits, especially when it comes to trash!

What is trash?

Trash is negative thoughts and negative images hanging around in our ever-busy minds. Often put there by 100% voluntary consumption of violent TV, movies and books.

Trash is beating up on ourselves for all sorts of real and imagined faults. We're often kinder to strangers than we are to ourselves.

Trash is filling our lives with meaningless, even harmful, distractions that make us dull and lazy. Ruts and giving up begin here.

Trash is living small, staying in the box you grew up with even when it doesn't serve your best interests any more. Only a tree should stay stuck in the same place its entire life.

Trash is living with things that you dislike or even hate. You get to choose.

Trash is settling for less than you desire, less than you deserve.

Trash is sitting on the couch watching TV or playing computer games for endless hours when you could be exercising or meditating or living your passion or even playing with your spouse or children.

Trash is eating more fat and sugar in a day than a family of ten needs.

Trash is polluting your body and mind, killing your spirit with alcohol and other addictions.

Trash is hanging out with friends and family who run you down, take advantage of you, don't listen and validate and believe in you.

Trash is looking in the mirror and saying anything besides "I love you and you're beautiful/handsome."

Trash is going to a job you hate year after year, living in fear, not allowing yourself room to breathe and grow.

Trash is any attitude, belief or value that doesn't serve your highest and best interests.

You take out the trash in your house every day or every other day. You take it to the curb every week or so. You clean up your lawn once a week or every two weeks. Your car gets cleaned every week (okay, every two months!).

But how often do you clean out the trash in your most treasured possessions: Your mind and your body, your Self? How many years or even decades have you been living with trash? Can you feel it? Can you see all that trash piling up around you, holding you back, holding you down? Is it time to take out the trash?

Please leave a comment.

Copyright 2007, Mary Anne Fields and Life Unfolds. All rights reserved.

Wise Ones Say

Here are a few quotes to ponder.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

"When it comes to the words you choose, whether in your mind or amongst friends, let them be of what you like and love. What you care about and cherish. What makes you happy. What gives you wings. What makes you dream. And very little else. --The Universe" Mike Dooley

“Where there is purpose, there is energy. Actions directed toward a compelling purpose will create a powerful momentum that lines up events and circumstances in your favor. Purpose gives you a reason to get going each day and strengthens your determination to persist when the going gets tough. Purpose pushes you firmly toward your highest level of accomplishment.” Ralph Marston

"Measure yourself by your best moments, not by your worst. We are
too prone to judge ourselves by our moments of despondency and
depression." Robert Johnson

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." Albert Einstein


One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices
one makes.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Do you have a favorite quote to share? Leave a comment!