Believing Can Hurt

We all have baggage from our childhoods, from our past. Some of it is good. It helps us cope, helps us to explore our world and expand our horizons. But some of it is harmful. It limits us, makes us inappropriately afraid, holds us back.

Our beliefs about the world are usually, just that, beliefs. It doesn't mean they are true, realistic, appropriate or helpful. One can build a case for any belief, but mostly we pick and choose our "facts". We all have personal filters through which all information is processed. We accept the information, facts, and events that support our beliefs and we discard or ignore or are even blind to the ones that do not. This actually applies to all areas in our lives, small beliefs and large.

Maybe you believe that folks are inherently dangerous, that the world is a dangerous place. Obviously, the world news would have you believe that. Most likely that belief came from your childhood or from traumatic events in your adult life. Either way, it's a hard way to live, believing that the world is dangerous and out to get you. It harms your ability to build supportive relationships. It can make it hard to get ahead at your work. So the question is, is that belief true and does it help you or harm you.

Maybe you believe that relationships are "hard", that you must work at all relationships and that your expectations should be low, or even that you shouldn't get too close because they all end badly. Regardless of how you came to this belief, does it help you or hurt you?

What if your sibling did something that really hurt you? Maybe said something negative or forgot your birthday. You can and probably would ascribe a harmful intention and believe that they are bad or meant to hurt you. Obviously this harms your relationship with your sibling, but also harms you with the negative energy and feelings that hang around, the thoughts you torture yourself with. What would happen if you simply chose not to believe that he/she meant to hurt you or that they meant anything negative at all by their actions? Could you choose not to believe?

If believing hurts you, I say choose not to believe. Change the belief. And you CAN change beliefs! You change them the same way they were created...practice, practice, practice. Every time your actions are playing out that belief, stop and change your direction. Every time you catch yourself replaying an event (based on a harmful belief) in your head, stop and move to a more helpful belief or statement. With regard to another person who you believe has hurt you, you might say to yourself, they were doing the best they could given their circumstances. Or they love me even though they aren't able to show it. Focus on the postive aspects rather than the negative. Another useful thought I often use is "it's not personal."

Another helpful way to change beliefs is to make a list of all the ways an event could be described rather than the way you saw it. For example, a friend calls you, yells at you for being non-supportive and hangs up on you. Here are a few ways to describe what happened.
1. My friend is a total jerk and has hurt me. She knew that this would hurt me and obviously does not want to be my friend any more. This always happens to me. I'm never speaking to her again.
2. My friend must be having a horrible day. She is usually so calm. I know she didn't mean what she said.
3. Wonder what's going on with my friend. Wonder why she said those awful things to me. Guess I better give her some time to cool off and then give her a call to find out.

Now, I'm not saying that you should put up with abusive behavior from others. I'm talking about beliefs that hurt you, that do not allow you to grow and expand and be joyful. Joy is a choice just as continuing to believe is a choice. Make choices wisely and be happier.