Mid-Life Unfolds: All Talk, No Do

Do you know someone who has or have you observed in yourself, the tendency to say you will do things that you don't mean? You know, when you say, I'm going to start dieting tomorrow, or I'll fix that window this afternoon, or tonight, I'm going to meditate, no matter how tired I am. Or even, I think I'll go to Spain this summer. Some of us are naturally more action-oriented than others. We have traits that allow us to be productive and industrious. And, of course, some of us are extremely action-oriented...all do, no thought. But some of us are more restrained in our activity. We talk a lot about doing, but rarely actually go and do it.

As a coach, I see this behavior frequently. Sometimes the behavior is generalized as a personal trait and sometimes it is seen in just one area, like at work or with a spouse. The most common problem area with most of us is taking our ideas and dreams and actually taking action to make them happen. The problem is not with the dreaming or knowing what the desire is, but with the doing.

I know someone who regularly and frequently says he will do things, but he doesn't take the necessary action to accomplish it. It's pretty much a steady stream of "I will" or "I'm going to" with very little follow-up action. On the one hand, you might say, "so what!". But this trait or characteristic is much more harmful than it seems on the surface.

First, if you say you are going to do things and don't do them, well, they don't get done! This affects your living environment and livelihood. You may find yourself disorganized, late in paying bills, financially insecure, in trouble at work and your house in a shambles. If you don't maintain your car, it may not work for you when you need it. If you don't monitor and manage your health, it could deteriorate.

Second, making promises you aren't going to keep affects your relationships. You'll find you've disappointed your spouse, friends and family. There have been many songs written about how the parent totally ruins his kid by promising to do things with him and then bailing out repeatedly. People learn not to depend on or even trust those who say they are going to do something and then don't do it. This carries over into a general disregard for everything the person says, as in "I don't believe you". You also may be "using" your friends and family to make up for your lack of action. You may expect your spouse and children to take care of the home, car and bills, instead of being a full partner in the doing. This builds resentment in those affected.

Third, you learn that you can't trust yourself. You see yourself as ineffectual and/or weak. Every time you set your intention to do something and then don't take action to follow through, you've learned something about yourself. You've learned that you say one thing and do another, which is the very definition of someone you cannot trust. You may have learned that you do not have will power or discipline. Or maybe learn that your words do not mean anything even to you.

If you see a little of this in yourself, what can you do to change it? First, it is important to fully realize what a negative effect this trait has. It really does harm those around you as well as yourself. And it definitely harms you!

Start with watching your language. Instead of saying, "I will do" say "I am thinking about doing" or "Maybe I will do". This is a start in being truthful both with others and with yourself.

The next thing is to look at the self-talk around not doing things. What is it you are telling yourself that keeps you from taking needed action? Here are some common thoughts that prevent us from taking action:

I don't feel well. I feel sick. My knee hurts. and variations around health. Note that this is sometimes a way of getting out of doing things you don't want to do, rather than truly debilitating illness.

I'm so put upon. I have to do more than my share. I shouldn't have to do this (it's too hard, beneath me, it's her job, etc.)

I go to work every day, therefore, I don't have to do anything else. I've made my contribution to the world/to my family.

I don't want to. On the surface, this seems like a good reason and some of us need to own this one more. But some of us overuse this reasoning. We all have duties and obligations that include some things we don't really want to do. After all, who really wants to change a dirty diaper or empty the trash?

He'll do it if I don't, so I won't do it. As in, if I don't take out the trash, he will so I'm excusing myself from the responsibility. Some of us have trouble with responsibility or with having obligations so we shirk them to feel more comfortable.