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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Forgiveness Journal

For the past couple of years, I've been focusing on forgiving and being forgiven. I think most of us think of ourselves as "good people". In our minds we say things like "I am honest", or "I don't lie", or "I always treat others well" or maybe "I would never steal". We look at others and think "I'd never be like that or act like that." We have numerous things our egos tell ourselves to make us feel special and better than others. But we all have hurt others, even if unintentional. We have caused harm to individuals, groups, our organizations (businesses, schools, churches, etc.), our families, our countries and even our world. It's almost impossible not to have done this if you are living your life and growing. After all, we were not always as wise as we are now (grin). The hurts do not have to be intentional nor do they have to be large. But each and every one, if not forgiven and made right, tend to hang on to you. They become part of your karma or your psyche and feel a little unclean (or a lot depending on the deed).

Forgiveness can be asked for and received without communicating directly with the person who was harmed. You cannot truly know if asking for forgiveness from the person directly will cause them to be upset all over again, thus causing more harm. It is really you who you are asking for forgiveness. Can you forgive yourself for doing harm? Can you even recognize that the harmful actions were yours and are your responsibility, regardless of the circumstance or your age or the provocation? This is sometimes a tall order! That's why the journal is so helpful, to work through these questions and to arrive at peace.

Forgiveness

I don't have to sit down and do anything special to think of who I have hurt or harmed, they just arise in my thoughts at various times. Some trigger will make me think of a person and then I remember our relationship and what has occurred between us. I think this is my way of processing (working through) my own responsibility for harming others.

Recently I decided to begin journaling about this because sometimes they arise in my thoughts when it's not convenient to give my full attention and bring my thoughts to completion. My journal is fairly unstructured and begins by just writing the person's name. I then write whatever comes to mind. Some times it is the good times, sometimes the bad and sometimes just the event that causes me to ask forgiveness. At the end, I ask for forgiveness, say "I forgive my self for this hurt" and end with "May they be free and happy" (with feeling!).

Sometimes I find I write about the same person more than once. This just means I'm not completely free of this one yet. I just keep writing.

I've found a few patterns that come up and thought I'd share these with you.

First, you don't really need to agree (intellectually) that what you did was wrong other than to recognize that hurting another was wrong. For example, maybe your friend told you she didn't care if you dated her ex-boyfriend. So you did and she was devastated, so devastated she stopped being friends with you. On the surface, you can say to yourself that "hey, this is her problem, she told you it was okay, you're off the hook." And that's true on one level. However, the bottom line is your actions caused her pain and suffering. You need to forgive yourself at that level.

Second, this same example also brings up the idea of personal responsibility. I'm a big believer in personal responsibility for all your actions. Unfortunately, because we are not yet enlightened, we cannot always see the results of our actions until too late. In the example above, if you had known how hurt she would be, you might have made another choice. While it is true she is responsible for her own actions and her own reactions to the event, you also have a responsibility in the action and reaction. You may have been ignorant of the possible results, but they still occurred.

Third, you might also find yourself coming up with lots of excuses on why it really wasn't your fault. For example, you were too young to know better, you were in pain yourself, you were upset, they actually started it, etc. All of this may help you to work through the event and the results, but truthfully, the forgiveness still needs to occur, regardless of the extenuating circumstances. If these excuses are true, it should make it easier for you to forgive yourself, but they do not negate the need for forgiveness.

And lastly, another example is when you did something that you feel was wrong, but the other person either didn't notice, handled it well, or blew it off easily. Remember, it's your feelings that count in this situation. It is you that must forgive yourself. So in this example, unlike the one above, it doesn't matter how the other person felt, it is what you believe that counts.

Forgiving Others

Forgiving others for the hurt they have caused you is equally important. You don't want to hang on to these negative, harmful feelings any longer than necessary. They will continue to affect your karma (and your psyche) until resolved.

I journal in the same way, by starting with the name of the person who I believe caused me hurt or harm. Whatever comes to me is written out. I end the note with "I deeply and completely forgive you" and "May you have lasting happiness and freedom."

Things that may catch you while doing this work.

First is the need to wallow in the hurt. If you find yourself being very angry or very hurt, it may be too soon for you to forgive. It's never too soon to begin working on the forgiveness, but it may take longer the stronger your feelings.

This exercise has to happen in its own time. You cannot rush it, nor can you force it. The idea here is not to rehash the event with he said and she said. It is to bring light to the event and to forgive. This may involve some thoughts and feelings you find uncomfortable. For example, you may have to admit that the person who harmed you was ignorant (didn't know better), or very young, or under the influence, etc. It doesn't change the harm caused, but just as you would allow yourself some leeway because of these circumstances, you must allow others.

It helps me to understand that no matter what, all people have a basic need at the bottom of who they are: that is the desire to be happy. Most of the things people do are in pursuit of this desire, but because we are not enlightened, or mature or fully realized, we act harmfully in ignorance.

Keep writing and feel the peace.

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