Believing Can Hurt

We all have baggage from our childhoods, from our past. Some of it is good. It helps us cope, helps us to explore our world and expand our horizons. But some of it is harmful. It limits us, makes us inappropriately afraid, holds us back.

Our beliefs about the world are usually, just that, beliefs. It doesn't mean they are true, realistic, appropriate or helpful. One can build a case for any belief, but mostly we pick and choose our "facts". We all have personal filters through which all information is processed. We accept the information, facts, and events that support our beliefs and we discard or ignore or are even blind to the ones that do not. This actually applies to all areas in our lives, small beliefs and large.

Maybe you believe that folks are inherently dangerous, that the world is a dangerous place. Obviously, the world news would have you believe that. Most likely that belief came from your childhood or from traumatic events in your adult life. Either way, it's a hard way to live, believing that the world is dangerous and out to get you. It harms your ability to build supportive relationships. It can make it hard to get ahead at your work. So the question is, is that belief true and does it help you or harm you.

Maybe you believe that relationships are "hard", that you must work at all relationships and that your expectations should be low, or even that you shouldn't get too close because they all end badly. Regardless of how you came to this belief, does it help you or hurt you?

What if your sibling did something that really hurt you? Maybe said something negative or forgot your birthday. You can and probably would ascribe a harmful intention and believe that they are bad or meant to hurt you. Obviously this harms your relationship with your sibling, but also harms you with the negative energy and feelings that hang around, the thoughts you torture yourself with. What would happen if you simply chose not to believe that he/she meant to hurt you or that they meant anything negative at all by their actions? Could you choose not to believe?

If believing hurts you, I say choose not to believe. Change the belief. And you CAN change beliefs! You change them the same way they were created...practice, practice, practice. Every time your actions are playing out that belief, stop and change your direction. Every time you catch yourself replaying an event (based on a harmful belief) in your head, stop and move to a more helpful belief or statement. With regard to another person who you believe has hurt you, you might say to yourself, they were doing the best they could given their circumstances. Or they love me even though they aren't able to show it. Focus on the postive aspects rather than the negative. Another useful thought I often use is "it's not personal."

Another helpful way to change beliefs is to make a list of all the ways an event could be described rather than the way you saw it. For example, a friend calls you, yells at you for being non-supportive and hangs up on you. Here are a few ways to describe what happened.
1. My friend is a total jerk and has hurt me. She knew that this would hurt me and obviously does not want to be my friend any more. This always happens to me. I'm never speaking to her again.
2. My friend must be having a horrible day. She is usually so calm. I know she didn't mean what she said.
3. Wonder what's going on with my friend. Wonder why she said those awful things to me. Guess I better give her some time to cool off and then give her a call to find out.

Now, I'm not saying that you should put up with abusive behavior from others. I'm talking about beliefs that hurt you, that do not allow you to grow and expand and be joyful. Joy is a choice just as continuing to believe is a choice. Make choices wisely and be happier.

The Mind is a Fascinating Place

Recently, I had a serious health scare. After numerous tests, the diagnosis is still unsure, but it's not the one I most feared and the doctors seemed to think was most likely. During the testing phase, my mind went to all the scary places. My ego took on the persona of "life as I know it is over". I ruminated on all the things I would no longer be able to do (including things I've never done nor ever intended to do). No more mountain climbing for me!! I wasn't depressed or overly worried, but seemed to be preparing myself for the worst and trying to come to terms with it.

One of the things I noticed was that I really regretted waiting so long to do some of the things that I'm really interested in. I waited until I was semi-retired, then I waited until I moved, then I waited until..., well you get the picture. And I was angry that I had wasted so much energy doing things like cleaning house and running around doing errands. I tend to "take care of business" (meaning tasks, work, cleaning, errands, etc.) before allowing myself to do what I enjoy.

I feel like I've been given a second chance at correcting my mistakes and taking charge of my life. I want to have more fun and be kinder. I want to do many more physical things like hiking and kayaking. I want to look and feel better, being more physically fit. I intend on meditating more and regularly.

I am grateful for this second chance, so few of us get one. I am making good on my promises to myself to make substantive changes in how I view fun and it's place in my life.

Wish me well!

Ten Ways to Add Gusto to Your Summer

Some of us need less stress and more calm in our lives and the summer is a great time to make inroads there. But some of us are in a rut and need a little more adventure to provide us with the zest and anticipation that makes life so much more interesting. These ideas are for you!

1. Go river rafting. Plan a trip to go white water rafting or kayaking. Trips can be guided or self-guided as your experience level requires. Expect thrills, a nature fix and to meet new people.

2. Take a language course. Sign up for a class at your local college or take them over the Internet with a friend. Instead of just learning the language, plan a trip to the country where your chosen language is spoken, even if you can't go this year. Planning the trip is half the fun. And make learning more about the country's geography, economics, and culture part of the experience. Expect to meet new people, a new skill and new attitudes.

3. Learn to barbeque or cook Thai or prepare gourmet. Take cooking lessons at your local upscale market, cookware store or even on the Internet. We all cook to some degree or another, but few of us take the time to master cooking. Expect new friends, new skills, increased pleasure in food and fun.

4. Go ice skating. Most big cities have ice rinks even in the summer. If you don't then try roller skating in a rink. Experience nostalgia and work your muscles at the same time. For an even better experience, introduce a child you know to skating. Expect sore muscles, a new skill and a sense of freedom.

5. Hike an entire trail over the summer. Most areas have hiking trails. You've heard of some of them such as the Appalachian Trail, the Pacific Crest Trail, and the Continental Divide Trail. But there are hundreds of shorter, less strenuous, but still challenging trails available even for the novice hiker. In Texas, for example, there is the Lone Star Hiking Trail, doable in a summer on weekends. The planning is part of the experience, learning about equipment, food, trail maps and finding hiking buddies. Expect new friends, better fitness, new skills and a nature fix.

6. Take dancing lessons, yes, you! Learning to dance can be a blast. Ballroom, salsa, tango, western swing, any kind will do. The music is great, you'll gain confidence and nothing is like dancing to free you up a bit. Expect new friends, dance skills, better fitness and fun.

7. Do art. Even if you are not an artist, or especially if you don't think of yourself as an artist, art can be a great way of shaking loose your inhibitions, pumping up your creativity and creating something fun/beautiful/quirky. There are a million ways to be creative including paints, papers, clay, metals, wire, yard, textiles and every variation therein. Take an art class, or just buy some supplies and go at it. The hardest part will be giving yourself permission to create and to not judge the results. The goal here is to enjoy the process and not worry too much about the product. Expect unleashed creativity, new skills and self-knowledge, and something to hang on the wall or put on a shelf!

8. Read something new. For those of us who are readers, we typically stick within two or three genres such as mystery, science fiction, Oprah's book club, non-fiction, westerns, etc. I double dare you to read something that is outside your chosen genres. It may take some time in the library or bookstore to find one that looks really interesting and is also outside of what you typically read. Give it as much time as you can to choose just the right book for you. You may discover a whole new genre to add. Expect to add a little sparkle to your reading, to be more thoughtful and to be challenged out of your reading rut. Expect new ideas, new challenges and new books.

9. Challenge yourself to meet one new person every week. Introduce yourself in the grocery store or the library. Start a conversation with the doctor's receptionist. Talk to your postal carrier, call someone you've met for coffee. Ask questions and practice your small talk. See if by the end of the summer you haven't added to each of your relationship circles (close friend, second tier friend, acquaintance). Expect new friends, better social skills, and some very interesting conversations.

10. Listen to new music on a regular basis. Just like with books, most of us have a few genres we listen to and pretty much ignore every thing else. Most of us know we like a few kinds of music and know we don't like a few others, but there are probably lots of kinds of music you've never experienced. World music includes lots of different types...African, Latin, Eastern European, Asian and lots more. What about hip-hop, folk music, Americana, symphonic, opera, acid rock, and more. Even within the genres you don't like, there may be artists or compositions you would love if you only listened. So this summer, really expand your listening to include all kinds of music. Set your car radio to different stations and do Internet searches (try "music genres") to listen to free music. Expect new music you love and lots of listening enjoyment.

And because there are lots of brilliant ways to have fun this summer and to add pizzazz to your life, here are a few more: take surfing lessons, learn to tap dance, learn tai-chi or yoga, take voice (singing) lessons, or piano or guitar lessons, go to drumming circles, learn to meditate, take a silent retreat, get a massage every week during the summer, jump out of a plane or take scuba lessons, learn to ride a horse, join a soccer or rugby team, just have a ball!

Play, Practice, Persist

Many of us are making changes in our lives. We use the law of attraction. We may be changing our health habits, creating wealth, developing better relationships and generally trying to be happier. But do you experience the same thing that I do when trying to make change?

It seems to come and go in fits and starts. Some of us start new habits or changes, but quit too soon. Some of us fail to create any momentum because we are distracted too often. Some of us are not motivated enough, that is, there's no real energy behind our desire to change. Some of us just think about change, but fail to take action.

So here's an idea to help: Persist, Practice and Play.

I've found that when I change my language to say, "I am going to play with this (new habit, new idea, new change)" it is much easier to stay engaged. When I say "I'm working on this", it has a heavier feel to it and is harder to stay with it. If you are playing with something, it is much easier to feel happier about it, and using the law of attraction intentionally requires positive feelings. Playing at something feels more energetic, more lighthearted, and as if there are no huge judgements about your performance waiting on the other end.

I've also found that practicing helps. I no longer expect perfection from my efforts. I assume I will need to practice whatever I'm attempting, whether it is changing my health patterns, developing relationships, or being happier. Practicing means you actually spend time doing whatever it is you've decided to do. Practicing means time and energy are focused on the change. Practicing also has a lighter feel to it, just as play does. If you are practicing something, there is much less judgement around the whole event. So what if you are not perfect yet, after all, you are practicing! Want to be healthier? Practice eating healthy and exercising. Want to have a quieter mind, be clearer, and be happier? Practice meditating. Want more wealth? Practice being wealthy (do what a wealthy person would do).

And most of all, persist. Don't give up the first time you drop the ball. Don't give up if you're not doing it perfectly. Don't give up if you're not making fast progress. Persist, practice, play.

30 Day As-If

Often in the Law of Attraction teachings, we are advised to live as-if...as if we already are wealthy, or as if we are beautiful, or as if we are loved, etc. Great advice, and I always thought, easier said than done.

My husband and I have had big and fairly specific plans for our semi-retirement years. We would be healthier, exercise, meditate more, travel more. So here it is six months into that semi-retirement and none of those things were happening. Life kept getting in the way. Life-long habits persisted. We made many half-hearted attempts to do the things on our list but only travel really took hold.

I was frustrated and feeling defeated about the whole thing. then I remembered the as-if teaching. My husband and I discussed a plan to have 30 perfect days of living our plan. 30 perfect days of eating healthy, exercise and meditating as if we were already doing those things. This is different from just saying I have a goal of losing 20 pounds so I'll start dieting. That's a goal with a measurable accomplishment and an end. Notice that our plans didn't really describe goals, they described a lifestyle. We wanted to live healthier, live more spiritually, and experience the world through travel. So rather than wait until we could somehow set up goals, make plans and figure out how to do these things, we just lived as if they were already true for us.

Just as an example, here are some of the thoughts that kept us stuck: I'm not ready to lose weight, I'll start when I'm not so stressed, meditating two hours a day is too much, I'll have to work up to meditating that long, It's almost summer (in Houston) and too hot to start exercising, it will take me hours to figure out how to plan menus to eat healthy, I'm too tired, etc.

So when we decided to live as if we were healthy, fit, and spiritual, we simply decided what our days would look like. We'd eat healthy, we would buy healthy foods, we'd choose wisely, we'd exercise every day, we'd choose activity over sloth, we'd take our vitamins and supplements regularly, we'd take our prescription medicine religiously, we'd monitor our health, we'd floss every day, and meditate between 1 and 2 hours a day. And we would put all of this as our daily priority. For example, when friends called to ask us to meet them for dinner, we declined because they were going to eat Mexican and didn't want to change their plans. We thought this would be too much of a challenge for us given where we are right now. Another set of friends asked us out and we suggested a salad place.

I have to admit, I secretly thought we'd stick with it a day or two and then fall away or that we wouldn't even get started. But lo and behold, we're doing it. And it's easy. And it's fun. I'll keep you posted on how it's going.

But now, how does this apply to you? What is it you want? What is it you are putting off trying or "getting ready to get started" (my own personal favorite way to put things off). What dream do you have but don't really see any way to get there?

Many of you have already done one or more "dream boards". They often have pictures of wonderful friends and family gatherings, exciting activities such as travel or dancing or kayaking, loving relationships with a spouse or lover, happy times with children, satisfying careers, etc. Almost all of these are actually lifestyle choices. Can you choose to live that way starting today?

What would happen if you just started? What if you took the first step today towards that dream? Live as-if all the planning, all the getting ready, all the inner work, all the obstacles had already been taken care of. Just start, now.

You Are Not Your Story

Eckhart Tolle, in his book, A New Earth, talks about your story and how identifying with it causes so much suffering. So what does this really mean?

Here are some real life examples of life stories:

I met someone at a party. In the half hour I talked with her, a plain woman in her sixties, I found out that she had lost her trust fund at the age of 19 and couldn't go to college. Apparently, her relatives took/lost it and she was left with nothing. The way she talked about it, with such anger and blame and wrath, it sounded as if it had happened last week, not over 40 years ago. She was very attached to her story that she "should" have kept her trust fund and that she was a victim. She cited that the reason she was not well-educated and successful (making low money) was because of this event. Remember, she is telling this story with a lot of emotion to a relative stranger, me.

A beautiful 50ish woman friend of mine tells me that the reason she is not an artist is because her parents would not support her so she could study art in Paris with masters. She still cries about and wrings her hands over this injustice. She blames her parents and is still angry about it. She feels her life has been a failure because her parents wouldn't pay her way and support her. She believes most of her problems relate to this event and to the resulting stifling of her creative self.

Another story from an acquaintance: "I'm not very good with money. You know, I came from a poor family and there just wasn't much to go around. I guess I'm afraid of money."

And one more to make the point, "I have chronic inflammation that makes me tired so I can't do much. I had to quit my job and lost all my friends. No one wants to be around someone who is in pain all the time. It's not fair that this happened to me."

Now you may be saying, but wait, these things are real and they really happened. Why shouldn't they be angry, lonely, sad, grieving, etc.? And you'd be right from one perspective. It is normal behavior for people to react to the events in their lives. But we are trying to live differently, to be more aware, to be conscious and to be happier. Good and bad things happen to all of us. Any one event or an accumulation of events can turn into a story.

Each of us has many experiences, but not all experiences turn into stories. For example, the same situation, say, losing your trust fund as a teenager and not having money for college, could have happened to you. But you may have been angry for a few weeks or months and then got a job or applied for a loan and went on to college and had a good life. It didn't turn into a story. It was just an experience, a part of life, maybe even a learning experience. It is the "being attached" to the story as a part of your identity that causes the problems and suffering.

From my own life, I was attached to the story of the straight A student. Growing up, my identity in the family was as the "smart" one. In fact, I was no smarter than my siblings, but my role in the family was to do well in school. When I was in college and going to night school, raising a disabled child and working a demanding full-time job, I was exhausted because I had to make straight A's. When I made a B or even a C, it caused me a great deal of stress and embarrassment because it was not affirming my identity (story) of the straight A student. My ego was very attached to this story line. At some point, I decided to let go of the story. Notice that I had to see that I had a story and observe it's effects on my life in order to take any action. I didn't even know what "presence" or the "now" was at this point in my life. I signed up for a class, did not withdraw, never went to class and got an F! (on purpose) And lo and behold, nothing bad happened. People didn't look at me differently; my permanent record did not make the newspapers; and it didn't affect my grade point average. That story is gone from my life. What a relief!

Of course, I could turn the letting go of that story into a story as well. As in, "Look how well I did, aren't I special, I am the master at problems and letting go" and so on. Anything can turn into a story because the ego creates them as part of it's constant defense of the ego boundaries and identity.

The distance or observing that Eckhart talks about is what allows you to see the story and to let it go. Sometimes the observing is all that is needed, sometimes you may want to take action. In all cases, being present allows the story to fade away. The story cannot hook you if you are present in the now, to use Eckhart's terminology.

A few practical tips to let go of your stories:

1. Watch your language. "I am" is usually a tip-off to your ego's need to identify with something. "I am" not good with money. "I am" such a loser at relationships. "I am" an adult child of alcholics and can't be around people who drink. "I've always" been good with numbers, been beautiful, been overweight, etc. Watch for the "I am"s in your life and observe without judgment.

2. Don't share your story. Every time you notice you want to tell the story, observe the ego's need to assert your identity. Keep quiet and don't tell the story, don't make the story more real by repeating it, and don't give it any more energy. This is not the same energetically as "it's a secret", but more in line with "that is just a story, not the real me."

3. When you notice yourself identifying with your story, being hooked and dragged along with the story, tell yourself

• "this is just a story"
• "this story is not now, it is in the past"
• "I accept that this story was mine, but I choose to live in the here and now"
• "I see how this story makes me feel (emotionally and in the body) and choose to be present now"
• "this is not personal" (especially useful when someone is doing something you don't like such as criticizing you, cutting you off in traffic, infringing on your perceived territory or liberty)
• "this is just X being X" as in John picks a fight with you, you can say silently to yourself, this is just John being John, and is not personal (to me)

4. Don't fight the story. As the borgs say, Resistance is futile! Resistance gives the story more energy. Suppressing your feelings give the emotions more energy and make them expand. The idea here is to be gentle and to let go, not to "destroy" the story. This means not telling yourself you "should" be feeling one way or another or that you "should" not be thinking about this. It means simply choosing to be present now. When you are present (or observing), the story and it's resulting emotions simply fade.

5. Discover what keeps you attached to the story. We all get something from our stories. The stories feed our egos in some way. Some times it is to get attention, either negative or positive. Some times it is to elicit pity. At times it is to create drama and feel chaos, which for some is comfortable. Sometimes noticing what you are feeling and what you hope will happen or what does happen can help you make sense of the story and make it easier to let it go. Sometimes the story is to make people turn away from you because that makes you feel exposed. Observing your feelings before, during and after a story being expressed in your life can be helpful.

6. Watch other people's stories as they talk or react. The next time you have lunch with a friend or go to a party, choose to bring your "witness" or "observer" into front and center. Instead of being caught up in other's stories, try to listen in presence and really know that this is a story, not who this person really is. What difference does that make in your experience of them? How can you apply that knowledge to your own experience?

The Deeper Question

A huge part of my practice is helping others to get the answers to the question: "What do I want?" Some of us know what we want, some of us think we know what we want and some of us have no clue. Depending on where you are spiritually, the answer to the question will come from your head, from thinking or "figuring it out" (that is, the ego) OR the answer will come from your spirit or better said, through your spirit. The only true answer will come from (or through) spirit. It is a deeper and more truthful and relevant answer than any you might come up with from your head or through figuring it out.

There are so many books available to help you "figure out" your life purpose. Believe me, I read them all! And nothing I did to "figure out" what my life purpose helped me find my life purpose. I had to look deeper for the answer. Look to the Universe, Consciousness, God or whatever your term for the source of all life for your answer. For me, meditation is the way I get in touch with my higher self or Consciousness. It is where my deeper questions are answered, by being still and listening.

I know that we all have purpose(s) on earth and our purpose will allow us to live who we really are and to excel, to express ourselves in a beautiful, abundant, conscious way. I believe that if we can be still, as Eckart Tolle calls it, if we can go beyond our daily existence as expressed by our egos, that the actions we need to take to express our purpose will come alive and will be known to
us.

Trust in the deeper answer as expressed through your spirit.

Your Obit

It's a horrible thought, that we might die before our time. No one likes to think of it. Having just lost my sister-in-law, it has made me think about my own life and death.

What if I had to write my own obituary today? What would it say? Would it be everything I wished for my life to say? Does my life really express who I think I am?

Use this as an exercise in assessing your life at this point. Write your own obituary. Include your accomplishments and the important areas of your life.

Now write the obituary you wish you could write. Include everything you would like to be said at your passing. Are the two similar, very different? Any insight into what areas you'd like to change in your life? Is there anything you wish could be said about you?

Here are some paraphrased quotes from others who have done this exercise:

"I lived a great life. I was often the life of the party and brought joy to many."

"I lived my life with courage and honesty. Others looked up to me."

"I made a difference in the world. My life was played out on a huge stage with many players. My actions made real, lasting changes all over the world."

"My family loved me and I loved them. My family relationships were open and honest. My grandchildren will remember me with love."

"I was president of my own company. This company employed thousands and served the community with excellence."

"I became a millionaire before age 40. I used my money to further the cause of cleaning up the global environment. I made a difference."

"I made myself and others laugh, often."

"When you look in the dictionary under the word 'kind', you'll see my picture. That's my legacy."

May you live a very long, healthy and very fruitful life.

A Blank Slate

What if you had a blank slate for your life, right now in this moment? At one time, at birth, we did have a blank slate. Unfortunately, we were not the only ones writing on the slate. Our parents, churches, schools, friends and cultural communities all helped us to fill up the slate. The result? What we are living right now! Our life slate is filled with the good and the bad, the daily activities, the viewpoints and feelings and the people, places and things that we experience in each moment of our lives.

Can you imagine your life as a blank slate? Without all the problems, perceived limitations, and pressures? Without current obligations, duties and stress?

Sit down in a comfortable place where you won't be disturbed for at least half an hour. A couple of hours is even better. Imagine the blank slate. If your own life keeps intruding, mentally erase the images until you have a blank slate. Don't spend a lot of time here, because the result is in imagining the new, not spending time and energy on the old. Give yourself permission at the outset to be relaxed and playful with this contemplation. Allow yourself to really stretch your imagination.

Fill the slate with what you'd like your life to be like. Include the satisfying people, places and things you have now, and add the elements you desire. Or start completely new. The slate can be large and include your entire life or lifestyle or can be small and focus on a single element in your life. For example, you may focus on your career or job, or your relationships, or your financial situation.

Include people, places and things, but also include feelings, perceptions, world-views, and ambience or environment. For example, imagine yourself being even more patient or generous or kind. You might imagine you are more sophisticated or courageous or powerful that you perceive yourself now. You may include only people who respect and love you. Include smells, and visual and auditory and sensual aspects as well. After all, it is you imagining it and it can be anything you desire.

When judging thoughts intrude, such as "you can't have that" or "you don't really want to be rid of him, after all how would you live?" or "you're way too old to do that", just put them in a bubble and allow them to gently float away. If that doesn't work, remind yourself that you are simply playing with images in your mind and you are allowed to do anything you wish in that space. Simply ignore any other thoughts.

You'll know you are on the right track in your imaginings when you feel happy and excited. Keep playing with the images and sounds until you have what you desire.

When you are ready to complete the meditation, simply say to yourself, "I now have all of this and more."

I like to do this exercise every day for a few minutes. I just close my eyes and playfully allow vignettes to entertain me for a few minutes. One day my focus may be me hiking in a beautiful mountain setting. Another day it might be me looking at my bank balance and being overjoyed. Another day, I might focus on being with girlfriends in a spa, having a lot of fun and enjoying the friendship. The picture variety is endless, limited only by your own imagination.

The more you do this exercise, the more energy and focus you are giving your dreams. It is a fun way to practice bringing more of what you desire into your life. I'm betting that you will be amazed at what comes your way simply on the basis of this exercise, practiced daily.

After all, your life really is a blank slate. Everything you are experiencing today was caused by what you desired, and what you did in the past. Everything you are thinking and feeling today, every action you take is setting up your future. So spend more time thinking and feeling what you really want and see what happens.

Resolve to Be You in 2008

It is a funny thing that most of us aren't really "us"! We are not the person we were meant to be or could have been without the influences of parents, school, church, spouses and society. As we grow up, most of us are molded into something less than our best. And by that I mean less than the best "You". We are pushed or encouraged to go to college and become a certain profession. We may be pushed to marry or marry for money or warned against marriage. We may be encouraged by our spouses to work or to stay at home, to remain dumb about money or to contribute. We may be told to be less tomboyish or to be more ladylike. There are a million different ways we are asked to fit in, to not make waves, or to be "normal".

One of our main jobs as adults is to figure out who we really are and who we are meant to be. I have a theory that the more authentic you are, that is, the more "the real you" you are, the happier you will be. In fact, I think not being yourself is the primary way most of us are unhappy. We are actually fighting ourselves in each and every moment. When we act as our true selves, we shine, we glow, we send off sparks. We have energy, we feel more at ease, we light up the world. When we are acting as someone else, we diminish our energy and feel uneasy in ourselves. We have many more difficulties such as poor health, poor relationships, confusion and indecision than we would if we were authentic.

Ask yourself these questions to start figuring out who you are meant to be.

1. What makes me light up or feel jazzed?
2. What things am I curious about that I'm avoiding?
3. Look back at the past five years. Can you identify a dozen things that you have said yes to? Things such as taking a certain career path? Marrying, divorcing or vowing bachelorhood? Particular fears you've allowed to take hold? In each case if you said yes to that action or path, what were you saying no to? These areas of "no" can be enlightening.
4. If you were writing your autobiography at this point in your life, what do you wish you could say?

Look at the answers to these questions and see if any areas that give you a glimpse into actions that are calling you. In 2008, try one or two of these to see if you can become more of the real you.

Can We Really Be Happy?

I believe that almost all of what we choose to do, have or be is done in the name of happiness. That is, if I do this or buy this or act this way, it will make me happier. The pursuit of happiness is a driving force in almost all of us. But how much of what we do is effective? Hardly any.

We most often look to our external situation to explain our unhappiness. I don't have enough money, therefore I'm unhappy. I don't have good health, therefore I'm unhappy. My spouse doesn't love me enough, therefore I'm unhappy. But what happens when we get these things? Studies show that when people win the lottery, after a few weeks or months, they return to their previous level of happiness or unhappiness. In other words, the money had a short-term effect on their happiness. You see this in relationships also. We find someone new, we fall in love, we're happy, it wears off, we're miserable. We find another, we fall in love, we're happy, it wears off, we're miserable or maybe just discontented. You get a new red sweater you've been wanting for ages, and the happiness last about five minutes.

Studies have also been done on how external situations affect happiness levels. They found that they didn't to any significant degree, and when they did have an effect, it didn't last. After all, there are people living with cancer or HIV that are extremely happy. There are those with nary a hangnail that complain all the time. There are wealthy miserable people and happy poor people. Studies have shown that genetics have at least a role to play in happiness. So does that mean we're stuck with whatever the genepool gave us? I don't think so.

We can change our overall level of happiness and have more sustained happiness by a three-pronged approach.

First is to meditate. Meditation changes your brain. It "trains" the mind to be quieter. It gives you a different perspective on life, more equanimity and calm, and more importantly (at least to me) is that it gives one distance from the dramas in life. It allows you to disengage from the things that normally would hook you and set you off. Let's say your husband does the same thing every week, like not taking out the garbage on garbage day. Every week you get mad, yell at him, take the trash out yourself and fume all day. When you are a regular meditator, the same event, your husband not taking out the trash may occur, but your reaction is totally different. You remain calm, objective and less emotional. You don't get "hooked" by this event.
I can't emphasize how important meditation is to my own happiness. It is not an immediate fix, but something that happens over time. You may meditate for a month or six months and then you'll one day notice how much calmer and happier you are.

Second is to avoid the things that make you unhappy or that do harm. You would think that this is obvious, but we don't seem to live our lives this way. How often do we choose to eat that bowl of fudge even though we know we're unhappy about our weight, we'll suffer from an upset digestive system, and we'll be miserable knowing that once again we "failed" at controlling our eating. How often do we indulge in buying things when we are deeply in debt, have debt collectors calling, cry at night about money, and yet we do it anyway? How often do we argue with our friends, our spouses or our children, knowing it makes them and ourselves unhappy? We know it is not constructive, but we do it anyway. So the decision has to be will this action make me happier or unhappier in the long run? Will this decision cause me harm or to suffer? Will it cause others harm or to suffer? Make the right choices and your life will be happier.

Third is to embrace (choose) the things that do make you happy. Do more of what makes you and others happy. Many of us deny ourselves the things that most excite us, that light us up. Maybe it is being outdoors or creating art, learning new things or spending time with children. Whatever it is, do more of it. Make more of your choices based on "will this add to my happiness or detract from it?" You'll probably notice that we hardly ever ask ourselves this question even though we yearn for happiness. It's a great question and can actually lead you to more happiness.

Choose happiness today.

Life Balance vs Obligations

Life sometimes gets out of balance because of what we think of as "obligations". Women, especially, who often serve as caretakers for their family and friends, feel obligated to this care. What is an obligation? According to the dictionary, an obligation is: “something one is bound to do, a duty or a responsibility.” That sounds simple, right?

So what are some obligations? What things in your life do you think of as your responsibility or your duty?

Driving on the right side of the street is one
If you are a parent, you are obligated to care for your child
If you have a job, you are obligated to show up and produce.

What many of us do is put a great deal more things in the obligation category than is necessary. We use language like “I have to do this” or “I must” or “I should” or “this is what “good mothers” do” or “all the other managers are doing this”. Here are a few examples of things we often see as obligations or duties or responsibilities that truly are not.

Befriend folks in our lives who are down and out or lonely
Take care of everyone else’s needs and wants
To pretend that you like something when you don’t
To be nice 100% of the time
To live someone else’s dreams (parents, children, spouse, media, church, etc.)
To give up your own dreams for your spouse or children or family
To take that night course
To stay in that relationship
To live in a city you don’t like
To have a clean house
To live in a big house or any house
To mediate among family and friends when conflict arises
To continue a relationship with an addict
To make others happy at your expense
To volunteer at school or anywhere else when your heart is not in it
To host parties or arrange get-togethers

Now, you may choose these things. You may want to do these things. But it is not your moral duty to do any of them. You have a choice. Doing things you do not like to do that are not true obligations wastes your time and energy and contributes to your own unhappiness. I would go even further than this, you have a moral duty to take care of yourself, to be your true self and to find ways to express that in the world. And often our choice of obligations goes directly against this idea.

One way to determine whether you need to do something or not is to ask yourself “what are the likely consequences of not doing it?” For example, you may have a schedule that says your refrigerator must be cleaned out every month. So here you are staying up til midnight to get it cleaned out. What are the consequences if you don’t? Your homeowner’s association may be sending you nasty-grams about your yard. What happens if you ignore them? All the other children in the neighborhood have elaborate, time-consuming, expensive birthday parties starting at age 1. Your child wants the same thing. What are the consequences of saying no? Well, you get the idea.

So the challenge here is to look at your own list of obligations.

Obligation Worksheet

An obligation is something that is a responsibility or a moral duty. We have obligations for some things such as driving on the correct side of the road or caring for our children. But we often extend that definition to all sorts of things that are not truly obligations. This eats up our available time and energy.

List all the obligations you currently believe you have. One way to start is to look at where you spend your time and energy. What are the major parts of your life? After you’ve made a comprehensive list, ask yourself the following questions for each entry: “What are the consequences if I don’t do this?” and “Who would/could do this if I didn’t?” and “Do I enjoy doing it/Does it make me happy to do it?” After completing this exercise, are there tasks that you thought were obligations but really aren’t? If you do not enjoy them or are having time or energy stress, can you drop them? Identify those and eliminate from your schedule. Be ruthless with this. It is your life, energy and emotional health you are protecting and nurturing. You can always add it back if you find that you are sorry you cut it out.

The idea here is to ask the question “is this a true obligation?” when faced with taking on new tasks and deciding what to do on any given day. If you have difficulty with eliminating items, notice your inner talk. How do you convince yourself that this item is different or that it really needs to be done by you? Free up time and energy by recognizing that whom you serve and what you do are totally your choice.

Letting Go of a Role

We all have roles we play in life. Mother, Father, Grandparent, Boss, Subordinate, Organizer, Volunteer, Daughter, Sister, Uncle, Coach, Analyst, Chaffeur, etc. We all have many roles and they change over time. But some are harder to change or get rid of than others.

One of the roles I am having trouble losing is that of Involved-Mom (or over-involved as some might say). My only child is 36 years old and a parent himself. I still tell him what to do as if he were six. In a recent conversation, I was horrified to hear my self say "Isn't it time for a haircut?", "Here, eat some more, you need to gain weight.", "Do you really have the money to do that?", and much more. My son was born deaf, so the over-protection, over-involvement comes hard earned and is deeply ingrained. With every visit I tell myself that this time I will not lecture. I will not tell him what to do. I will not offer my unasked-for opinions especially as they are rarely (never) heard, acknowledged or acted upon. And then I open my mouth.

I will admit that I am doing better than I used to. I don't call him every day like I used to. I don't ask about his daily activities. I don't give him money every time it is suggested. I even occasionally keep my opinions to myself. It has been a very gradual process and I can see some progress in my own behavior and letting go. But I have a long way to go as well.

I have looked carefully at the results I get from my behavior and they aren't pretty. He doesn't like it at all. I don't like who I am when I do this. It makes him unhappy and not so thrilled to be around me and I don't blame him. It makes me unhappy as well. It can't be good for his self-worth, after all every time I say something like that what he hears is that he is not good enough or not doing well. That's certainly not the message I intend, but that is what comes out of my mouth.

So why do I continue this behavior? Mostly out of habit, partly out of the need to be right, partly out of laziness. I also continue to have fear about what may happen to him if he goes too far astray (by my definition). After all I have been looking out for him for 36 years. That is a long time habit. The laziness comes in that it takes effort to change a habit. I resolve almost ten years ago to change my behavior with him, and it has improved, but hangs on.

My son is definitely not me. He doesn't live the way I do in almost all areas of his life. He has made his choices and lives by them. And overall is doing well.

I resolve again today to change my behavior, to overcome this habit, and to let go of my role as over-involved mom.

Another role we may have trouble letting go of may be retiring from a long-held career. It may be difficult to see yourself as something other than your job or your title. Or from being a mover and a shaker to being just you.

What about moving from being a free, partying, single to being married and a parent? What difficulties might you be having? Might you have feelings of remorse or be self-pitying for having so much responsibility and giving up your own free time?

What about dealing with divorce or becoming a widow/er after many years of marriage? Becoming newly single and not being part of a pair may be difficult to let go of.

What roles or habits are you hanging on to? Share by leaving a comment.

Dialogue to Get Unstuck

If you are not getting what you want, if the abundance is not showing up, if things are stagnant in your life, then maybe it's time you speak up. In my workshops and in my coaching, the first step to getting what you want in your life is to KNOW what you want in your life. Obvious, huh? But in each of my workshops, there are at least a few who do not know what they want. They know "this" isn't it, but are not sure what they truly desire. Why is this?

We have conflicting beliefs and often conflicting values. It's sometimes difficult to decide what we desire because different parts of us want different things or think the thing we desire is good or bad or healthy or unhealthy and so on. Another way of saying this is we vacillate or we are ambivalent. We may have a hidden desire or passion, but the linear side of us "judges" that as negative or impossible. Sometimes we want success, sometimes we don't want to work at all. Sometimes we want a loving relationship, other times we think being single is the best. Sometimes we want to be a writer, other times we think that is too solitary an occupation. We go round and round.

Another block is catastrophizing the imagined results so that we live in fear. One of the common ones with some of the entrepreneurs I work with is looking forward to the envisioned future and seeing (a) total loss of our time being busy and overwhelmed because of incredible success, or (b) our beloved work turned into something we hate. We lose sight of the fact that at each step of the way we decide what our next step is. It is not here one day and President of the United States tomorrow. There are many steps along the way and many times where we can decide to stay with our vision, our goals, our intention and shy away from things that would overwhelm us or kill our passion. It is always within our control and our choice.

So how do we get out of these stuck positions? Start a dialogue. Speak up. Put your thoughts out instead of sitting on them, repressing them or having them whirl around in your head. Here are a few ideas on how to start the dialogue that will lead you to clarity.

1. Dialogue with yourself. This can be done in several ways, but here are a couple of ideas. Try to keep this light and energetic.

First just write it out as if it were a dialogue in a book. Person A (give it a catchy name like "judge", "excitement freak", "little old lady" or whatever seems appropriate) speaks first and states their position. Person B (also with a catchy name) speaks next and so on. When you start writing state your intention that the writing will result in resolution and clarity. Do this each time you write.

Another way to dialogue with yourself is to set up two chairs opposite one another. Person A (you) sits in one chair and talks out loud stating your position. Then you move to the other chair and become Person B. Move back and forth. Again at the beginning state your intention that the dialogue will result in resolution and clarity.

2. Dialogue with a trusted, supportive friend. Simply ask for help from them; ask them to listen and with gentle kindness, offer their viewpoint or to ask you good, hard questions. Again, be sure your intention is to gain resolution and clarity in what you desire.

3. Dialogue with a professional. A coach is perfect for this kind of dialogue. It is her job and she is trained to help you clarify by listening and asking good questions. To contact me about coaching, simply drop me a line at maf@lifeunfolds.com.

If you are stuck and can't seem to get what you desire, then dialogue your way through the block.

Please leave a comment if you found this helpful or would like to add to the ideas.

All content copyrighted, 2007, Life Unfolds and Mary Anne Fields. All rights reserved.