The Mind is a Fascinating Place

Recently, I had a serious health scare. After numerous tests, the diagnosis is still unsure, but it's not the one I most feared and the doctors seemed to think was most likely. During the testing phase, my mind went to all the scary places. My ego took on the persona of "life as I know it is over". I ruminated on all the things I would no longer be able to do (including things I've never done nor ever intended to do). No more mountain climbing for me!! I wasn't depressed or overly worried, but seemed to be preparing myself for the worst and trying to come to terms with it.

One of the things I noticed was that I really regretted waiting so long to do some of the things that I'm really interested in. I waited until I was semi-retired, then I waited until I moved, then I waited until..., well you get the picture. And I was angry that I had wasted so much energy doing things like cleaning house and running around doing errands. I tend to "take care of business" (meaning tasks, work, cleaning, errands, etc.) before allowing myself to do what I enjoy.

I feel like I've been given a second chance at correcting my mistakes and taking charge of my life. I want to have more fun and be kinder. I want to do many more physical things like hiking and kayaking. I want to look and feel better, being more physically fit. I intend on meditating more and regularly.

I am grateful for this second chance, so few of us get one. I am making good on my promises to myself to make substantive changes in how I view fun and it's place in my life.

Wish me well!

Relish Discomfort

And, no I'm not talking about pickles!

Discomfort is a sure sign that we are stretching ourselves. That uneasiness, that queasiness, is proof that we are stepping outside our boxes, that we are trying on something new and discovering new facets of ourselves. This is the stuff life is made of!

It's funny how humans are conditioned to desire comfort and sameness. We get to a place and we stop. We think, this isn't so bad, I think I'll stay here. Of course, the world is constantly changing and so are our lives. Most of our unhappiness centers around trying to keep things the same. We become very attached to our lives, just the way it is, thank you very much.

Sameness leads to dullness. Sameness is the opposite of growth, of insight. Sameness is not something to cling to. Sameness is not something to be desired, although we all do it.

As we take on new tasks, new jobs, new areas of growth, we often feel discomfort. We may question what we are doing, why we are doing it. We may feel fear or anxiety. But that is the necessary step that comes with true growth, with real expansion of self. Each stretch we go through expands our lives and the richness of our experience.

Excitement is often masked as discomfort, maybe an uneasy stomach or tension in the chest. Breathe into it and let it be.

Is there some area of growth or expansion you are avoiding? Is there something that keeps coming up for you to try, but you find a million reasons why you can't or won't? Life is change, whether you desire it or not. So stretch yourself. Give in to your higher desire to be more and to express your talents in this world in new ways.

The Flood and the Flow

In one of my recent workshops, we were discussing how to know when you are working with the law of attraction and how to know when you're not. One of the students mentioned that she describes it as the flood and the flow. The flood is when she has a constant barrage of negative thoughts, very much like a flood. She worries, frets, is anxious and down. The flow is when she knows in her body that all is well, that what she desires is on its way and that she is in alignment with what she desires most. She feels peaceful, happy and in anticipation.

The law of attraction works whether we know about it and consciously try to influence it or not. Our thoughts and feelings will affect what shows up in our lives, consciously or unconsciously. When we are practicing being in the flow, we become more aligned with our highest good, with our truest desires. We practice having more positive thoughts which affect our feelings. We practice letting go of the how and watching for clues from the Universe. We work on or play with changing our limiting beliefs.

How do you know what what you are doing is working? How do you know you are in the flow?

First, to tell whether you have been having primarily positive thoughts and feelings without limiting beliefs and that you have let go of the how, just look around you. Do you have the life you wish? Do you have plenty of money? Do you have sustaining and rich relationships? Do you have passionate pursuits? Is your career satisfying and meaningful to you? Your current life situation exactly mirrors your past thoughts and feelings. Sometimes this past pattern of thoughts and feelings is many years long. It takes time to change that habit of thought. Be patient with yourself and don't give up too soon.

Are the things you desire starting to show up? Maybe small events occur, the right phone call, or money comes in the mail, or you meet someone new who can help you further your career. Are synchronicities occuring? If so, then your recent past thoughts and feelings are moving in the right direction and having a direct effect on your life.

Many of us can feel the difference between the flood and the flow in our bodies. It is an actual physical feeling. When I am in the flow I can sense the energy flowing or moving in my body, usually from abdomen to chest in an upward motion. I feel lighter and happier. when I am not in the flow (or in the flood), my chest is closed or tight, I tend to be in my head and generally more tense. If you are not aware of any physical feelings, start noticing each day what your thoughts and feelings are and then what your body feels like. Are there any clues to tell you when you are in the flow or in the flood?

What If

We all play the what-if game and some of us play it often. Worrying often takes the form of what if: "What if he leaves me?", "What if I get fired?", "What if my home doesn't sell?", "What if the doctor gives me bad news?". We can what if ourselves into a frenzy, adding anxiety after anxiety until we can only see bad news on the horizon.

I was recently conversing with a group of intelligent, talented, courageous women. One of them is contemplating a divorce. The conversation went something like this: "I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so unhappy. I know I don't love him anymore. But what if I am poor for the rest of my life? What if the girls (daughters) are scarred for life? What if I can't support us?" and so on. I countered with "what if you are incredibly happy after you leave, what if this is the best thing you could do for yourself and your children, what if you found you had plenty of money and could make it yourself, what if you were in a relationship where you were valued and appreciated, loved and respected?" She blinked a couple of times and slowly said, "Well, I guess that could happen." And then she smiled.

Somehow we think that worrying in this way, imagining negative futures, is a way of coming to a decision. We don't call it worrying, we call it logically thinking through a decision. We believe we are rationally reviewing options.

It's a funny thing, the games our minds play. What ifs most often take a negative form. They tend to scare us into behaving or scare us into staying the course. They often catastrophize our futures with the absolute worst that can happen. We rarely what if with the best that can happen.

So let's play a game. Let's call it What If - Positive.

Start right now with a problem that you are trying to solve or a decision you have to make. It can be small or large, trivial or important. But one where you are having trouble moving forward. Now play what if by imagining all the wonderful things that can happen if you move forward, if you decide or if you solve the problem. What if you were happier beyond your wildest dreams? What if everything turned out better than you expect? What if you were absolutely making the right decision? What if everything you want to happen just falls into place easily and quickly? What if all parties ended up better off than before? What if this was the perfect thing for you to do, right now? Of course, you'll want to make it specific to your situation, but play with it. Run wild and free in your imagination. Insist and intend that positive things will happen. See what happens in your body? In your mind?

The more you play this game, the more natural it will seem and the more often you will choose the positive what ifs rather than the usual negative what ifs. Practice it daily and see how much easier decisions are and how much better you feel.

Letting Go of a Role

We all have roles we play in life. Mother, Father, Grandparent, Boss, Subordinate, Organizer, Volunteer, Daughter, Sister, Uncle, Coach, Analyst, Chaffeur, etc. We all have many roles and they change over time. But some are harder to change or get rid of than others.

One of the roles I am having trouble losing is that of Involved-Mom (or over-involved as some might say). My only child is 36 years old and a parent himself. I still tell him what to do as if he were six. In a recent conversation, I was horrified to hear my self say "Isn't it time for a haircut?", "Here, eat some more, you need to gain weight.", "Do you really have the money to do that?", and much more. My son was born deaf, so the over-protection, over-involvement comes hard earned and is deeply ingrained. With every visit I tell myself that this time I will not lecture. I will not tell him what to do. I will not offer my unasked-for opinions especially as they are rarely (never) heard, acknowledged or acted upon. And then I open my mouth.

I will admit that I am doing better than I used to. I don't call him every day like I used to. I don't ask about his daily activities. I don't give him money every time it is suggested. I even occasionally keep my opinions to myself. It has been a very gradual process and I can see some progress in my own behavior and letting go. But I have a long way to go as well.

I have looked carefully at the results I get from my behavior and they aren't pretty. He doesn't like it at all. I don't like who I am when I do this. It makes him unhappy and not so thrilled to be around me and I don't blame him. It makes me unhappy as well. It can't be good for his self-worth, after all every time I say something like that what he hears is that he is not good enough or not doing well. That's certainly not the message I intend, but that is what comes out of my mouth.

So why do I continue this behavior? Mostly out of habit, partly out of the need to be right, partly out of laziness. I also continue to have fear about what may happen to him if he goes too far astray (by my definition). After all I have been looking out for him for 36 years. That is a long time habit. The laziness comes in that it takes effort to change a habit. I resolve almost ten years ago to change my behavior with him, and it has improved, but hangs on.

My son is definitely not me. He doesn't live the way I do in almost all areas of his life. He has made his choices and lives by them. And overall is doing well.

I resolve again today to change my behavior, to overcome this habit, and to let go of my role as over-involved mom.

Another role we may have trouble letting go of may be retiring from a long-held career. It may be difficult to see yourself as something other than your job or your title. Or from being a mover and a shaker to being just you.

What about moving from being a free, partying, single to being married and a parent? What difficulties might you be having? Might you have feelings of remorse or be self-pitying for having so much responsibility and giving up your own free time?

What about dealing with divorce or becoming a widow/er after many years of marriage? Becoming newly single and not being part of a pair may be difficult to let go of.

What roles or habits are you hanging on to? Share by leaving a comment.

The Proof

I've written several articles on being versus doing. I believe that we are worthy of love, prosperity and success just because we exist. We do not have to earn the right to have these. However, many of us still struggle with our beliefs about our own worthiness and greatness. If you need a boost in this area, here is an exercise to help.

Do you lack self-confidence in your ability to achieve? Do you need proof that you are competent, worthy of success, capable of handling what comes to you? Are you afraid of failure? Here's an exercise to truly own your greatness.

List your life accomplishments. Yes, all of them. Search high and low and include everything you can think of. Ask your family and friends to offer suggestions. Spend an hour or two or three on this.

Here's just a few from my own list as an example:

1. Won fourth grade spelling bee.
2. Graduated high school.
3. Graduated college with a business degree while working and raising a family.
4. Raised a loving, sweet son.
5. Learned and taught sign language.
6. Learned to drive a car.
7. Painted a house.
8. Learned about financial matters and invested my own money.
9. Learned to ride a bicycle, row a canoe and kayak, play volleyball, softball, racquetball.
10. Ran 6 miles.
11. Learned to crawl and walk and talk.
12. Learned to cook.
13. Created a website and blogs.
14. Became a corporate Vice-President.
15. Programmed computers.
16. Camped alone. Set up my own tent.

Your list may run to the hundreds and many pages.

Pick out the top ten life achievements. Write down what skills, traits and activities it took you to accomplish this. Again, here's an example.

"Graduated college while working full-time and raising a family."

Skills and traits:
Organization skills
Speed reading
High energy
Perseverance
Intelligence
Drive/ambition
Time management
Study skills
Communication skills
Assertiveness skills
Flexibility
Planning skills
Writing skills
Test taking skills
Courage
And the list goes on.

Now turn each of these into "I" statements. For example, I am courageous. I am flexible. I have exceptional planning skills. I have good communication skills, etc. Play with the wording until it feels good, feels right, feels strong.

Even though I was not aware of the law of attraction or the idea of manifesting at the time, I know that graduating college was an incredibly strong desire for me. I can look back and see synchronistic events that led me to get enrolled and to finish. Look at your top ten from this point of view as well.

Now one of the obstacles that may jump up when you do this is comparing yourself to others or to some ideal. For example, yes, I graduated from college, but I don't have a Master's or Ph.D. Or yes, I learned to walk and talk, but everybody does that so it doesn't count. Or yes, I learned to cook, but I could have been a gourmet cook. These are all manifestations of your inner critic, that part of yourself that will never be satisfied with what you do (no matter what). If you'd gotten two Ph.D.'s, your inner critic would have said "you could have had a MD or a third PhD."
This is one inner voice that must be tamed. Try for this exercise, to just acknowledge the voice and let it go.

Are you convinced? Do you see your greatness? Are you willing to admit that you are a successful person and can do pretty much anything you set your mind to do? Can you own it and say out loud, "I really am great!"

Notice:

1. By taking one step at a time, often very small steps, you accomplished big or advanced goals.
2. You learned things you may have thought were difficult or impossible at the time.
3. You have many traits you need for success and some are very well developed.
4. You have accomplished a lot more than you might feel or think.
5. You have had many successes in your life.
6. Many, if not all, of these goals started out as desires.
7. You may have had fear about doing some of these things and did them anyway.

What did you learn in this excrcise? Anything you want to share?