Letting Go of a Role

We all have roles we play in life. Mother, Father, Grandparent, Boss, Subordinate, Organizer, Volunteer, Daughter, Sister, Uncle, Coach, Analyst, Chaffeur, etc. We all have many roles and they change over time. But some are harder to change or get rid of than others.

One of the roles I am having trouble losing is that of Involved-Mom (or over-involved as some might say). My only child is 36 years old and a parent himself. I still tell him what to do as if he were six. In a recent conversation, I was horrified to hear my self say "Isn't it time for a haircut?", "Here, eat some more, you need to gain weight.", "Do you really have the money to do that?", and much more. My son was born deaf, so the over-protection, over-involvement comes hard earned and is deeply ingrained. With every visit I tell myself that this time I will not lecture. I will not tell him what to do. I will not offer my unasked-for opinions especially as they are rarely (never) heard, acknowledged or acted upon. And then I open my mouth.

I will admit that I am doing better than I used to. I don't call him every day like I used to. I don't ask about his daily activities. I don't give him money every time it is suggested. I even occasionally keep my opinions to myself. It has been a very gradual process and I can see some progress in my own behavior and letting go. But I have a long way to go as well.

I have looked carefully at the results I get from my behavior and they aren't pretty. He doesn't like it at all. I don't like who I am when I do this. It makes him unhappy and not so thrilled to be around me and I don't blame him. It makes me unhappy as well. It can't be good for his self-worth, after all every time I say something like that what he hears is that he is not good enough or not doing well. That's certainly not the message I intend, but that is what comes out of my mouth.

So why do I continue this behavior? Mostly out of habit, partly out of the need to be right, partly out of laziness. I also continue to have fear about what may happen to him if he goes too far astray (by my definition). After all I have been looking out for him for 36 years. That is a long time habit. The laziness comes in that it takes effort to change a habit. I resolve almost ten years ago to change my behavior with him, and it has improved, but hangs on.

My son is definitely not me. He doesn't live the way I do in almost all areas of his life. He has made his choices and lives by them. And overall is doing well.

I resolve again today to change my behavior, to overcome this habit, and to let go of my role as over-involved mom.

Another role we may have trouble letting go of may be retiring from a long-held career. It may be difficult to see yourself as something other than your job or your title. Or from being a mover and a shaker to being just you.

What about moving from being a free, partying, single to being married and a parent? What difficulties might you be having? Might you have feelings of remorse or be self-pitying for having so much responsibility and giving up your own free time?

What about dealing with divorce or becoming a widow/er after many years of marriage? Becoming newly single and not being part of a pair may be difficult to let go of.

What roles or habits are you hanging on to? Share by leaving a comment.