Letting Go of a Role

We all have roles we play in life. Mother, Father, Grandparent, Boss, Subordinate, Organizer, Volunteer, Daughter, Sister, Uncle, Coach, Analyst, Chaffeur, etc. We all have many roles and they change over time. But some are harder to change or get rid of than others.

One of the roles I am having trouble losing is that of Involved-Mom (or over-involved as some might say). My only child is 36 years old and a parent himself. I still tell him what to do as if he were six. In a recent conversation, I was horrified to hear my self say "Isn't it time for a haircut?", "Here, eat some more, you need to gain weight.", "Do you really have the money to do that?", and much more. My son was born deaf, so the over-protection, over-involvement comes hard earned and is deeply ingrained. With every visit I tell myself that this time I will not lecture. I will not tell him what to do. I will not offer my unasked-for opinions especially as they are rarely (never) heard, acknowledged or acted upon. And then I open my mouth.

I will admit that I am doing better than I used to. I don't call him every day like I used to. I don't ask about his daily activities. I don't give him money every time it is suggested. I even occasionally keep my opinions to myself. It has been a very gradual process and I can see some progress in my own behavior and letting go. But I have a long way to go as well.

I have looked carefully at the results I get from my behavior and they aren't pretty. He doesn't like it at all. I don't like who I am when I do this. It makes him unhappy and not so thrilled to be around me and I don't blame him. It makes me unhappy as well. It can't be good for his self-worth, after all every time I say something like that what he hears is that he is not good enough or not doing well. That's certainly not the message I intend, but that is what comes out of my mouth.

So why do I continue this behavior? Mostly out of habit, partly out of the need to be right, partly out of laziness. I also continue to have fear about what may happen to him if he goes too far astray (by my definition). After all I have been looking out for him for 36 years. That is a long time habit. The laziness comes in that it takes effort to change a habit. I resolve almost ten years ago to change my behavior with him, and it has improved, but hangs on.

My son is definitely not me. He doesn't live the way I do in almost all areas of his life. He has made his choices and lives by them. And overall is doing well.

I resolve again today to change my behavior, to overcome this habit, and to let go of my role as over-involved mom.

Another role we may have trouble letting go of may be retiring from a long-held career. It may be difficult to see yourself as something other than your job or your title. Or from being a mover and a shaker to being just you.

What about moving from being a free, partying, single to being married and a parent? What difficulties might you be having? Might you have feelings of remorse or be self-pitying for having so much responsibility and giving up your own free time?

What about dealing with divorce or becoming a widow/er after many years of marriage? Becoming newly single and not being part of a pair may be difficult to let go of.

What roles or habits are you hanging on to? Share by leaving a comment.

The Proof

I've written several articles on being versus doing. I believe that we are worthy of love, prosperity and success just because we exist. We do not have to earn the right to have these. However, many of us still struggle with our beliefs about our own worthiness and greatness. If you need a boost in this area, here is an exercise to help.

Do you lack self-confidence in your ability to achieve? Do you need proof that you are competent, worthy of success, capable of handling what comes to you? Are you afraid of failure? Here's an exercise to truly own your greatness.

List your life accomplishments. Yes, all of them. Search high and low and include everything you can think of. Ask your family and friends to offer suggestions. Spend an hour or two or three on this.

Here's just a few from my own list as an example:

1. Won fourth grade spelling bee.
2. Graduated high school.
3. Graduated college with a business degree while working and raising a family.
4. Raised a loving, sweet son.
5. Learned and taught sign language.
6. Learned to drive a car.
7. Painted a house.
8. Learned about financial matters and invested my own money.
9. Learned to ride a bicycle, row a canoe and kayak, play volleyball, softball, racquetball.
10. Ran 6 miles.
11. Learned to crawl and walk and talk.
12. Learned to cook.
13. Created a website and blogs.
14. Became a corporate Vice-President.
15. Programmed computers.
16. Camped alone. Set up my own tent.

Your list may run to the hundreds and many pages.

Pick out the top ten life achievements. Write down what skills, traits and activities it took you to accomplish this. Again, here's an example.

"Graduated college while working full-time and raising a family."

Skills and traits:
Organization skills
Speed reading
High energy
Perseverance
Intelligence
Drive/ambition
Time management
Study skills
Communication skills
Assertiveness skills
Flexibility
Planning skills
Writing skills
Test taking skills
Courage
And the list goes on.

Now turn each of these into "I" statements. For example, I am courageous. I am flexible. I have exceptional planning skills. I have good communication skills, etc. Play with the wording until it feels good, feels right, feels strong.

Even though I was not aware of the law of attraction or the idea of manifesting at the time, I know that graduating college was an incredibly strong desire for me. I can look back and see synchronistic events that led me to get enrolled and to finish. Look at your top ten from this point of view as well.

Now one of the obstacles that may jump up when you do this is comparing yourself to others or to some ideal. For example, yes, I graduated from college, but I don't have a Master's or Ph.D. Or yes, I learned to walk and talk, but everybody does that so it doesn't count. Or yes, I learned to cook, but I could have been a gourmet cook. These are all manifestations of your inner critic, that part of yourself that will never be satisfied with what you do (no matter what). If you'd gotten two Ph.D.'s, your inner critic would have said "you could have had a MD or a third PhD."
This is one inner voice that must be tamed. Try for this exercise, to just acknowledge the voice and let it go.

Are you convinced? Do you see your greatness? Are you willing to admit that you are a successful person and can do pretty much anything you set your mind to do? Can you own it and say out loud, "I really am great!"

Notice:

1. By taking one step at a time, often very small steps, you accomplished big or advanced goals.
2. You learned things you may have thought were difficult or impossible at the time.
3. You have many traits you need for success and some are very well developed.
4. You have accomplished a lot more than you might feel or think.
5. You have had many successes in your life.
6. Many, if not all, of these goals started out as desires.
7. You may have had fear about doing some of these things and did them anyway.

What did you learn in this excrcise? Anything you want to share?