You Are Not Your Story

Eckhart Tolle, in his book, A New Earth, talks about your story and how identifying with it causes so much suffering. So what does this really mean?

Here are some real life examples of life stories:

I met someone at a party. In the half hour I talked with her, a plain woman in her sixties, I found out that she had lost her trust fund at the age of 19 and couldn't go to college. Apparently, her relatives took/lost it and she was left with nothing. The way she talked about it, with such anger and blame and wrath, it sounded as if it had happened last week, not over 40 years ago. She was very attached to her story that she "should" have kept her trust fund and that she was a victim. She cited that the reason she was not well-educated and successful (making low money) was because of this event. Remember, she is telling this story with a lot of emotion to a relative stranger, me.

A beautiful 50ish woman friend of mine tells me that the reason she is not an artist is because her parents would not support her so she could study art in Paris with masters. She still cries about and wrings her hands over this injustice. She blames her parents and is still angry about it. She feels her life has been a failure because her parents wouldn't pay her way and support her. She believes most of her problems relate to this event and to the resulting stifling of her creative self.

Another story from an acquaintance: "I'm not very good with money. You know, I came from a poor family and there just wasn't much to go around. I guess I'm afraid of money."

And one more to make the point, "I have chronic inflammation that makes me tired so I can't do much. I had to quit my job and lost all my friends. No one wants to be around someone who is in pain all the time. It's not fair that this happened to me."

Now you may be saying, but wait, these things are real and they really happened. Why shouldn't they be angry, lonely, sad, grieving, etc.? And you'd be right from one perspective. It is normal behavior for people to react to the events in their lives. But we are trying to live differently, to be more aware, to be conscious and to be happier. Good and bad things happen to all of us. Any one event or an accumulation of events can turn into a story.

Each of us has many experiences, but not all experiences turn into stories. For example, the same situation, say, losing your trust fund as a teenager and not having money for college, could have happened to you. But you may have been angry for a few weeks or months and then got a job or applied for a loan and went on to college and had a good life. It didn't turn into a story. It was just an experience, a part of life, maybe even a learning experience. It is the "being attached" to the story as a part of your identity that causes the problems and suffering.

From my own life, I was attached to the story of the straight A student. Growing up, my identity in the family was as the "smart" one. In fact, I was no smarter than my siblings, but my role in the family was to do well in school. When I was in college and going to night school, raising a disabled child and working a demanding full-time job, I was exhausted because I had to make straight A's. When I made a B or even a C, it caused me a great deal of stress and embarrassment because it was not affirming my identity (story) of the straight A student. My ego was very attached to this story line. At some point, I decided to let go of the story. Notice that I had to see that I had a story and observe it's effects on my life in order to take any action. I didn't even know what "presence" or the "now" was at this point in my life. I signed up for a class, did not withdraw, never went to class and got an F! (on purpose) And lo and behold, nothing bad happened. People didn't look at me differently; my permanent record did not make the newspapers; and it didn't affect my grade point average. That story is gone from my life. What a relief!

Of course, I could turn the letting go of that story into a story as well. As in, "Look how well I did, aren't I special, I am the master at problems and letting go" and so on. Anything can turn into a story because the ego creates them as part of it's constant defense of the ego boundaries and identity.

The distance or observing that Eckhart talks about is what allows you to see the story and to let it go. Sometimes the observing is all that is needed, sometimes you may want to take action. In all cases, being present allows the story to fade away. The story cannot hook you if you are present in the now, to use Eckhart's terminology.

A few practical tips to let go of your stories:

1. Watch your language. "I am" is usually a tip-off to your ego's need to identify with something. "I am" not good with money. "I am" such a loser at relationships. "I am" an adult child of alcholics and can't be around people who drink. "I've always" been good with numbers, been beautiful, been overweight, etc. Watch for the "I am"s in your life and observe without judgment.

2. Don't share your story. Every time you notice you want to tell the story, observe the ego's need to assert your identity. Keep quiet and don't tell the story, don't make the story more real by repeating it, and don't give it any more energy. This is not the same energetically as "it's a secret", but more in line with "that is just a story, not the real me."

3. When you notice yourself identifying with your story, being hooked and dragged along with the story, tell yourself

• "this is just a story"
• "this story is not now, it is in the past"
• "I accept that this story was mine, but I choose to live in the here and now"
• "I see how this story makes me feel (emotionally and in the body) and choose to be present now"
• "this is not personal" (especially useful when someone is doing something you don't like such as criticizing you, cutting you off in traffic, infringing on your perceived territory or liberty)
• "this is just X being X" as in John picks a fight with you, you can say silently to yourself, this is just John being John, and is not personal (to me)

4. Don't fight the story. As the borgs say, Resistance is futile! Resistance gives the story more energy. Suppressing your feelings give the emotions more energy and make them expand. The idea here is to be gentle and to let go, not to "destroy" the story. This means not telling yourself you "should" be feeling one way or another or that you "should" not be thinking about this. It means simply choosing to be present now. When you are present (or observing), the story and it's resulting emotions simply fade.

5. Discover what keeps you attached to the story. We all get something from our stories. The stories feed our egos in some way. Some times it is to get attention, either negative or positive. Some times it is to elicit pity. At times it is to create drama and feel chaos, which for some is comfortable. Sometimes noticing what you are feeling and what you hope will happen or what does happen can help you make sense of the story and make it easier to let it go. Sometimes the story is to make people turn away from you because that makes you feel exposed. Observing your feelings before, during and after a story being expressed in your life can be helpful.

6. Watch other people's stories as they talk or react. The next time you have lunch with a friend or go to a party, choose to bring your "witness" or "observer" into front and center. Instead of being caught up in other's stories, try to listen in presence and really know that this is a story, not who this person really is. What difference does that make in your experience of them? How can you apply that knowledge to your own experience?

Letting Go of a Role

We all have roles we play in life. Mother, Father, Grandparent, Boss, Subordinate, Organizer, Volunteer, Daughter, Sister, Uncle, Coach, Analyst, Chaffeur, etc. We all have many roles and they change over time. But some are harder to change or get rid of than others.

One of the roles I am having trouble losing is that of Involved-Mom (or over-involved as some might say). My only child is 36 years old and a parent himself. I still tell him what to do as if he were six. In a recent conversation, I was horrified to hear my self say "Isn't it time for a haircut?", "Here, eat some more, you need to gain weight.", "Do you really have the money to do that?", and much more. My son was born deaf, so the over-protection, over-involvement comes hard earned and is deeply ingrained. With every visit I tell myself that this time I will not lecture. I will not tell him what to do. I will not offer my unasked-for opinions especially as they are rarely (never) heard, acknowledged or acted upon. And then I open my mouth.

I will admit that I am doing better than I used to. I don't call him every day like I used to. I don't ask about his daily activities. I don't give him money every time it is suggested. I even occasionally keep my opinions to myself. It has been a very gradual process and I can see some progress in my own behavior and letting go. But I have a long way to go as well.

I have looked carefully at the results I get from my behavior and they aren't pretty. He doesn't like it at all. I don't like who I am when I do this. It makes him unhappy and not so thrilled to be around me and I don't blame him. It makes me unhappy as well. It can't be good for his self-worth, after all every time I say something like that what he hears is that he is not good enough or not doing well. That's certainly not the message I intend, but that is what comes out of my mouth.

So why do I continue this behavior? Mostly out of habit, partly out of the need to be right, partly out of laziness. I also continue to have fear about what may happen to him if he goes too far astray (by my definition). After all I have been looking out for him for 36 years. That is a long time habit. The laziness comes in that it takes effort to change a habit. I resolve almost ten years ago to change my behavior with him, and it has improved, but hangs on.

My son is definitely not me. He doesn't live the way I do in almost all areas of his life. He has made his choices and lives by them. And overall is doing well.

I resolve again today to change my behavior, to overcome this habit, and to let go of my role as over-involved mom.

Another role we may have trouble letting go of may be retiring from a long-held career. It may be difficult to see yourself as something other than your job or your title. Or from being a mover and a shaker to being just you.

What about moving from being a free, partying, single to being married and a parent? What difficulties might you be having? Might you have feelings of remorse or be self-pitying for having so much responsibility and giving up your own free time?

What about dealing with divorce or becoming a widow/er after many years of marriage? Becoming newly single and not being part of a pair may be difficult to let go of.

What roles or habits are you hanging on to? Share by leaving a comment.

What Do You Really Know?

One of the guidelines I usually give at the beginning of my workshops is to keep an open mind. As soon as we hear ourselves saying "Oh, I already know this" or "That's not true", we have lost our ability and will to learn something new, to hear something said in a different way, and to be "enlightened".

We all go through much of our lives, especially as middle aged adults, believing we already know most of what we need to know. Which is kind of silly when you think of it. Many of us are unhappy, depressed, angry, hate our jobs, dislike our relationships, are estranged from family...and yet we think we already know everything we need to know. Some of us are very tied to the story of "I know" or another way of saying that is "I am superior because I know."

Recently, I was hit over the head with this concept again. I hurt my right shoulder several months ago. After four months, I went to the doctor who xrayed me and said I had a "bone spur". He sent me to a surgeon. Now, about ten years ago, I had a bone spur in my left shoulder and had to have surgery to fix it. I "knew" what was involved. So I arranged my schedule to keep it open for the surgery on my right shoulder. I knew how long the rehab would take and how much discomfort I was in for. I was deeply upset about having to have surgery. I spent about a week spinning around talking about it at every turn, feeling anxious. Then I visit the surgeon who assures me I do not have a bone spur and that no surgery is needed. Of course, I was relieved, but the lesson was not lost. I had just lost a week of emotional equilibrium, even happiness, because "I knew" I was going to have surgery. I had closed my mind completely because "I knew".

I definitely was not living in the moment. I was not experiencing what the Buddhists call beginner's mind. I jumped way ahead looking at my imagined future, sure that I knew what was going to happen, how it was going to affect me, and what the doctor would say. Another way of saying this is I just made it all up. One can say, yes, but you had good reason because of previous experience, but that really doesn't fly. History does not always repeat itself, especially where humans are involved. We all have the chance to make changes, to react differently, to have a different perspective. If I had been living in the moment, experiencing life as it comes, the effect of the whole episode would have been minimal to non-existent. Instead it turned into a drama, something to dread and be unhappy about.

How often do we do this? Make up stories based on false expectations of our future? Or relive false memories of our past? I say false, because our brains are very selective about what we remember and emotions play a big part in how it is remembered. How much of what we experience on any given day is simply not true, not real? The next time, you feel yourself tightening up and the idea of "I know this already" comes to your mind, stop and free yourself. Remind yourself to relax and let go and live here right now. Life is much easier if you can keep a beginner's mind.