All Talk, No Do

Do you know someone who has or have you observed in yourself, the tendency to say you will do things that you don't mean? You know, when you say, I'm going to start dieting tomorrow, or I'll fix that window this afternoon, or tonight, I'm going to meditate, no matter how tired I am. Or even, I think I'll go to Spain this summer. Some of us are naturally more action-oriented than others. We have traits that allow us to be productive and industrious. And, of course, some of us are extremely action-oriented...all do, no thought. But some of us are more restrained in our activity. We talk a lot about doing, but rarely actually go and do it.

As a coach, I see this behavior frequently. Sometimes the behavior is generalized as a personal trait and sometimes it is seen in just one area, like at work or with a spouse. The most common problem area with most of us is taking our ideas and dreams and actually taking action to make them happen. The problem is not with the dreaming or knowing what the desire is, but with the doing.

I know someone who regularly and frequently says he will do things, but he doesn't take the necessary action to accomplish it. It's pretty much a steady stream of "I will" or "I'm going to" with very little follow-up action. On the one hand, you might say, "so what!". But this trait or characteristic is much more harmful than it seems on the surface.

First, if you say you are going to do things and don't do them, well, they don't get done! This affects your living environment and livelihood. You may find yourself disorganized, late in paying bills, financially insecure, in trouble at work and your house in a shambles. If you don't maintain your car, it may not work for you when you need it. If you don't monitor and manage your health, it could deteriorate.

Second, making promises you aren't going to keep affects your relationships. You'll find you've disappointed your spouse, friends and family. There have been many songs written about how the parent totally ruins his kid by promising to do things with him and then bailing out repeatedly. People learn not to depend on or even trust those who say they are going to do something and then don't do it. This carries over into a general disregard for everything the person says, as in "I don't believe you". You also may be "using" your friends and family to make up for your lack of action. You may expect your spouse and children to take care of the home, car and bills, instead of being a full partner in the doing. This builds resentment in those affected.

Third, you learn that you can't trust yourself. You see yourself as ineffectual and/or weak. Every time you set your intention to do something and then don't take action to follow through, you've learned something about yourself. You've learned that you say one thing and do another, which is the very definition of someone you cannot trust. You may have learned that you do not have will power or discipline. Or maybe learn that your words do not mean anything even to you.

If you see a little of this in yourself, what can you do to change it? First, it is important to fully realize what a negative effect this trait has. It really does harm those around you as well as yourself. And it definitely harms you!

Start with watching your language. Instead of saying, "I will do" say "I am thinking about doing" or "Maybe I will do". This is a start in being truthful both with others and with yourself.

The next thing is to look at the self-talk around not doing things. What is it you are telling yourself that keeps you from taking needed action? Here are some common thoughts that prevent us from taking action:

• I don't feel well. I feel sick. My knee hurts. and variations around health. Note that this is sometimes a way of getting out of doing things you don't want to do, rather than truly debilitating illness.


• I'm so put upon. I have to do more than my share. I shouldn't have to do this (it's too hard, beneath me, it's her job, etc.)


• I go to work every day, therefore, I don't have to do anything else. I've made my contribution to the world/to my family.


• I don't want to. On the surface, this seems like a good reason and some of us need to own this one more. But some of us overuse this reasoning. We all have duties and obligations that include some things we don't really want to do. After all, who really wants to change a dirty diaper or empty the trash?


• He'll do it if I don't, so I won't do it. As in, if I don't take out the trash, he will so I'm excusing myself from the responsibility. Some of us have trouble with responsibility or with having obligations so we shirk them to feel more comfortable.


• I'll do it later or tomorrow or next week/month/year. Always putting off what needs to be done.

What are your own thoughts that keep you from taking action?

What do you personally gain by not taking action?

How do you benefit?

Can you see other sides of this situation, take the viewpoint of someone to whom you have made a promise and then backed out?

Can you see how you might be viewed as undependable or irresponsible, lazy or untrustworthy?

How does this make you feel?

Make a real commitment to yourself to begin making small changes. Watch your thoughts and words.

Forgiveness Journal

For the past couple of years, I've been focusing on forgiving and being forgiven. I think most of us think of ourselves as "good people". In our minds we say things like "I am honest", or "I don't lie", or "I always treat others well" or maybe "I would never steal". We look at others and think "I'd never be like that or act like that." We have numerous things our egos tell ourselves to make us feel special and better than others. But we all have hurt others, even if unintentional. We have caused harm to individuals, groups, our organizations (businesses, schools, churches, etc.), our families, our countries and even our world. It's almost impossible not to have done this if you are living your life and growing. After all, we were not always as wise as we are now (grin). The hurts do not have to be intentional nor do they have to be large. But each and every one, if not forgiven and made right, tend to hang on to you. They become part of your karma or your psyche and feel a little unclean (or a lot depending on the deed).

Forgiveness can be asked for and received without communicating directly with the person who was harmed. You cannot truly know if asking for forgiveness from the person directly will cause them to be upset all over again, thus causing more harm. It is really you who you are asking for forgiveness. Can you forgive yourself for doing harm? Can you even recognize that the harmful actions were yours and are your responsibility, regardless of the circumstance or your age or the provocation? This is sometimes a tall order! That's why the journal is so helpful, to work through these questions and to arrive at peace.

Forgiveness

I don't have to sit down and do anything special to think of who I have hurt or harmed, they just arise in my thoughts at various times. Some trigger will make me think of a person and then I remember our relationship and what has occurred between us. I think this is my way of processing (working through) my own responsibility for harming others.

Recently I decided to begin journaling about this because sometimes they arise in my thoughts when it's not convenient to give my full attention and bring my thoughts to completion. My journal is fairly unstructured and begins by just writing the person's name. I then write whatever comes to mind. Some times it is the good times, sometimes the bad and sometimes just the event that causes me to ask forgiveness. At the end, I ask for forgiveness, say "I forgive my self for this hurt" and end with "May they be free and happy" (with feeling!).

Sometimes I find I write about the same person more than once. This just means I'm not completely free of this one yet. I just keep writing.

I've found a few patterns that come up and thought I'd share these with you.

First, you don't really need to agree (intellectually) that what you did was wrong other than to recognize that hurting another was wrong. For example, maybe your friend told you she didn't care if you dated her ex-boyfriend. So you did and she was devastated, so devastated she stopped being friends with you. On the surface, you can say to yourself that "hey, this is her problem, she told you it was okay, you're off the hook." And that's true on one level. However, the bottom line is your actions caused her pain and suffering. You need to forgive yourself at that level.

Second, this same example also brings up the idea of personal responsibility. I'm a big believer in personal responsibility for all your actions. Unfortunately, because we are not yet enlightened, we cannot always see the results of our actions until too late. In the example above, if you had known how hurt she would be, you might have made another choice. While it is true she is responsible for her own actions and her own reactions to the event, you also have a responsibility in the action and reaction. You may have been ignorant of the possible results, but they still occurred.

Third, you might also find yourself coming up with lots of excuses on why it really wasn't your fault. For example, you were too young to know better, you were in pain yourself, you were upset, they actually started it, etc. All of this may help you to work through the event and the results, but truthfully, the forgiveness still needs to occur, regardless of the extenuating circumstances. If these excuses are true, it should make it easier for you to forgive yourself, but they do not negate the need for forgiveness.

And lastly, another example is when you did something that you feel was wrong, but the other person either didn't notice, handled it well, or blew it off easily. Remember, it's your feelings that count in this situation. It is you that must forgive yourself. So in this example, unlike the one above, it doesn't matter how the other person felt, it is what you believe that counts.

Forgiving Others

Forgiving others for the hurt they have caused you is equally important. You don't want to hang on to these negative, harmful feelings any longer than necessary. They will continue to affect your karma (and your psyche) until resolved.

I journal in the same way, by starting with the name of the person who I believe caused me hurt or harm. Whatever comes to me is written out. I end the note with "I deeply and completely forgive you" and "May you have lasting happiness and freedom."

Things that may catch you while doing this work.

First is the need to wallow in the hurt. If you find yourself being very angry or very hurt, it may be too soon for you to forgive. It's never too soon to begin working on the forgiveness, but it may take longer the stronger your feelings.

This exercise has to happen in its own time. You cannot rush it, nor can you force it. The idea here is not to rehash the event with he said and she said. It is to bring light to the event and to forgive. This may involve some thoughts and feelings you find uncomfortable. For example, you may have to admit that the person who harmed you was ignorant (didn't know better), or very young, or under the influence, etc. It doesn't change the harm caused, but just as you would allow yourself some leeway because of these circumstances, you must allow others.

It helps me to understand that no matter what, all people have a basic need at the bottom of who they are: that is the desire to be happy. Most of the things people do are in pursuit of this desire, but because we are not enlightened, or mature or fully realized, we act harmfully in ignorance.

Keep writing and feel the peace.

Magical Mantra

I have a magical mantra that instantly makes me feel (and act) better. It's "I have everything I need right now." Doesn't sound like much and you may be thinking, oh for goodness sake, how can she even say that? It's not true! But I am here to tell you that 99.9% of the time it is true and it's true for most of us. What do I mean?

If you think about each and every moment you live, you will find that most of the time, you do really have everything you need. You have shelter, food, water, clothing, a source of income, companionship, health, and so on. It is rare indeed that we actually lack anything. But that is not what most of us experience. And that is because we don't live in the present moment (or in the now).

Let's take the example of money. Let's say that you live paycheck to paycheck. You may not have saved much money and occasionally have trouble paying bills on time. In this example, at least once every month or so, you will not have enough money, so indeed you do not have everything you need. But that lasts only a few moments, when you write the check or have to call the landlord. The other 99.9% of the month you are fine. Even in this example, most people are able to make ends meet eventually. So most of the time we are fine and have everything we need, but we do not experience it that way. We instead worry about the anticipated lack of money each and every day, sometimes for much of the day. We lose sleep hashing it over in our minds. We talk about it with our friends and family, thus increasing the anxiety. We become anxious and even depressed. And this causes us to be unhappy much of the time. We are not living in the moment where we really do have everything we need. We are living in the future where we believe (rightly or wrongly) that we do not have enough.

This is true no matter what our issues are: health, love, careers, home, and so on. Most of the time, we do have everything we need in each and every moment. It is the rare moment when we do not have everything we perceive we need.

Can you imagine what it would be like to live as if you had everything you needed and wanted in each and every moment? Wouldn't that be the very definition of happiness and contentment? What if your life was such that you only worried 1% of the time or felt lack or unhappiness less than 5% of the time? Wouldn't that be a wonder?

How can we change to be more in the moment and to experience more happiness in our lives?

• Meditate daily. Even 10 minutes of sitting meditation will help. Meditation will help you to know your consciousness or awareness (or Mind) directly. It will also help you to develop some distance so that your actions will be thoughtful responses instead of reactions.
• Contemplate what actually happens in your life. What amount of lack do you really experience? How much do you already have? How does this lack affect your life and your happiness and how often does it occur? How much time do you spend worrying, being anxious over, thinking about, or talking about your problems? Is this realistically warranted? Does the worrying help? Or hurt? Try to gain an accurate picture of what your situation truthfully is or is not.
• When you start to worry or feel anxious about your situation or to feel the need to discuss it, find something that will help you return to the present moment, when and where you have everything you need. Maybe it is my magical mantra "I have everything I need right now" or maybe it is a visualization or an activity like walking or meditating. Remind yourself that you have everything you need right now and that worrying/talking/ruminating will not help.
• Take action to correct the problem if it is possible. Then forget about it.
  
  When I find myself worrying, I simply remind myself, "I have everything I need right now." It is a reminder to live now, not in the past and not in the future.

It's All In The View

I am now on my way back from a meditation retreat. I heard this story from one of the people at the retreat and thought I would share it. (Note though that I am not quoting this teacher but am paraphrasing what I understood him to say.)

Recently he, I'll call him John, and some other students as well as the Buddhist Lama were traveling around the southwest in a caravan of vans giving talks at various cities.

At one point, after travelling through the hot desert for several hours, people in the vans were getting cranky, were thirsty and hungry and needed to stretch their legs. John says they came upon a derelict gas station. It was in the middle of nowhere, looked like it was about to be condemned, and was not especially inviting. Inside, they asked for soft drinks and got lukewarm drinks that cost $4 a piece. The attendant was surly and unkempt. They paid more than $5 a gallon for gas. John said he felt appalled and upset that they were being taken advantage of.

Later that evening, the Lama was giving his talk at a local college. He started his talk with telling about the caravan trip they had just completed. He talked about how beautiful the desert was and how wonderful it was being able to travel this way. He then said that right in the middle of the desert, a palace appeared, rising up out of the vast desert. Inside the palace everything the group wanted was given to them, just for asking. Gas was available, drinks and restrooms, and a wonderful person who ran the place. Because she was there, they were able to finish their trip in comfort. And so on.

My friend, John, was shocked. He couldn't believe that the Lama had experienced the same event that he had. Later he asked the Lama about it, confronting him with his own terrible experience of the place. He asked the Lama how could he say those things about such an awful place? The Lama replied, "I was there." Basically, the Lama's experience was very different from what most of the others experienced, even though it was the same event.

This is what is called: "seeing everything on the highest plane." Can we change our perceptions to be more positive? Can we see the truth behind the facade, that everything is beautiful, just because it can happen? In the example above, the Lama was able to see how great it was that the place even existed at all, just when it was needed, that someone had the fortitude and foresight to live out in the middle of the desert just to serve others and to make a living at the same time. What a wonder!

What can we learn from this story? I know I often experience things negatively and make judgments, even without all the facts. I wish to live in the world as my teacher does, seeing things on the highest plane. I wish to be grateful that others provide food, and clothing, and clean rooms, services, products and everything else I need to live in the modern world. It takes practice to find the good and to see things positively.

Stop Complaining 101

Have you ever noticed how often we complain? We complain about our situation, our spouse, our children, our jobs, our city, our world, our politicians, our street, the weather, and so on.

I recently went to a spiritual retreat with my Buddhist teacher, Lama Ole Nydahl. He is a living example of everything I wish to be. I have never, not even once, seen him complain about anything. I have been with him many times, sometimes for a week at a time and have never witnessed him in any kind of negativity. That is what I wish to live like.

But what do I do? Do I practice being in a positive state all the time? Do I emulate my teacher so I can become more like him? No, I complain!

Driving home from this retreat, I really began to notice how often I have a negative thought or negative comment about something. Here are a few examples:

"Look at all this flat land (in north Texas and southern Colorado). Who would want to live here? I think it's ugly."

"Wow, it's too hot out here." "Wow, it's too cold out here." "Wow, it's too windy."

When sitting in my brand new, air conditioned, fully loaded hybrid Camry, I "wonder why they put this button here, it would be lots more efficient over there."

"I think this steak is overcooked." "I think my Sprite is watery." "I wish I had more salad dressing." "They didn't give me enough ice."

My ego seems to be a never ending stream of negative commentary on everything around me. And I am basically a very positive person!! Much of the above was not expressed out loud, but the thoughts were still there.

I know a man who is probably the most negative person I've ever met. In the many hours I've spent with him, my guess is that 95% of what he says is negative. I ask, who are your friends and what are they like? He spends thirty minutes telling me how bad they are, how they are negative and unfriendly, how they have betrayed him, how they really aren't that interesting, and so on. Then I ask about his job, and he responds at length about how he doesn't like the people, the work is too hard or boring, the office is too small, it's too long a commute, and so on. Even his hobby which he says he loves, is expressed with negativity. He doesn't have the right tools and supplies, the outcome of his projects are bad, unskilled, crummy, and no one respects his hobby. And he wonders why he is so unhappy!

So I've decided to stop complaining. I am starting with making sure that I do not express what I think when it is negative. And I am starting to catch myself when a negative thought comes up. For example, in my thoughts about the flat land above, I immediately thought "yes, the land is flat, but I'm so grateful that farmers want to live here so I can have food to eat." And I actually felt the gratitude immediately. So that is transforming negativity into something positive. I expect that this will take a lot of practice, but I think I am on my way to being like my teacher in at least one aspect. No more complaining.

What the Heck is Beginner's Mind?

Beginner's Mind..."refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even when studying at an advanced level, just as a beginner in that subject would." Deron Henson

"If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything. In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's mind there are few."
From Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind By Shunryu Suzuki

"Everything is fresh and new; it is fabulous just because it can happen." Lama Ole Nydahl, Diamond Way Buddhism

Before a recent trip to Colorado, I always thought I knew, at least intellectually, what beginner's mind meant. I could think about what it meant, but didn't really have a real life experience to go with it. Now I do!

Just before the trip, we bought an electronic GPS. We opened the box after we started on the trip thinking we'd play with it on the trip and learn how to use it. It was our first experience with a GPS.

What a miracle! We were astounded by this tool, that someone dreamed it up, that someone somehow put all that data, roads, turns, traffic and road construction congestion, detours, altitudes, time and lots of other tools all in one palm-sized gadget. As we played with it and it showed us where to go, took us around roadblocks and traffic, talked us through course corrections, we were delighted, felt wonder and vast appreciation just because it exists. We fell out of our typical intellectual struggle with new electronics. We didn't feel the usual ho-hum, oh well, just another gadget. We feel excited, tickled, really joyous with the GPS.

When the feeling didn't go away after a day or two, we noticed something exciting was happening. We felt somewhat like a child with a new toy on Christmas day. Filled with wonder and delight, all related to this tool. We finally decided that this was what beginner's mind must feel like.

We could have, of course, put this tool into the conceptual bucket with all electronics. We could have been bored with it, or been critical of its shortcomings, could have felt threatened by it and a myriad of other feelings. But we didn't. For whatever reason, we fell into a different mind space with this new toy, one of simple wonder that it could exist at all.

We are encouraged by teachers and experts to approach all situations with a beginner's mind, that is to stop putting everything into a preconceived conceptual box and to be open to the real experience in the moment. We, as humans with egos, rarely actually experience anything. We are too busy living in the past or projecting ourselves into the future. You can see this for yourself at parties or business functions. Often, someone will walk up and introduce themselves and ask "what do you do?" As soon as you say I'm a secretary, or doctor, or whatever, you've lost them. They are busy putting you into their previously set up boxes through which they filter everything: "Oh, a doctor, I hate doctors, I need to move on" or "Secretary? She doesn't look very much like a secretary." and so on. They aren't actually experiencing YOU. They are just putting you through their own filter (concept) and pegging you as they peg all others. We do this continuously with most activities, thoughts and feelings during each day. You have to be in the moment, or to "be here now" as Ram Dass would say, to actually experience beginner's mind. It is looking at something with fresh eyes, just as a small child would.

So, now I know what beginner's mind feels like. How about you?

Wanting What You Have

We are often told to feel and express gratitude as a way of being happier and a way of practicing the law of attraction. The law of attraction simply says that what you think and feel is what you get. So it follows that if you are feeling grateful for something you have or something you have experienced, then your thoughts and feelings are positive ones of appreciation, which then create more of the same in your life. For example, if you are very grateful for a loving, kind friend, it sets you up to receive more loving kindness. If you are grateful for the money you have, it sets you up energetically with the Universe to receive more and to have plenty of money. The thoughts and feelings of gratitude are the key to this, not the things you received themselves.

So how does this gratitude thing work? First, when you are feeling gratitude, then you NOT feeling anger, resentment, sadness, or angst of any kind. You are feeling and thinking positive thoughts and feelings. So when you are not feeling the negative emotions, you must be ... happy! Okay, gratitude may not equate to happiness for you, but it is positive. Second, gratitude is one of the highest (most positive) emotions vibrationally that you can have. You've gone straight to a home run, rather than lingering on first base. Third, it is the very opposite of wanting, grasping, feeling lack, needing, feeling greedy, etc. When you feel gratitude, you know in your deepest heart that you have what you want and need and you recognize it through your gratitude.

So how does one generate gratitude? For some of us it comes naturally. Maybe we've been trained that way or maybe it's our nature. But all of us can feel and express gratitude. If it doesn't come naturally, then practice it. I suggest writing out your "gratitudes" each day. At first they may not flow freely. But with practice, they come to mind more easily and you will find that some of the things you "think" you are grateful for, actually generate the emotion of "gratitude". For example, on my list might be "I'm grateful for a steady supply of electricity so that I can write this newsletter, that my husband makes smoothies each morning and serves them to me in a tall glass, that I have a top notch computer, that one of my grandchildren is able to visit me often, and so on." Now some of these do not elicit much emotion, they are just thoughts. For example, the gratitude for electricity was a thought, but didn't change my emotions; however, the longer I thought about it and what it would mean to do without electricity, to be in the dark, to not have all the tools we use daily (refrigerator, computer, phone, lights), the more grateful I become for it. The thoughts generated the emotion. The thought about my grandson generates an immediate emotion of gratitude. So from these examples, you can see that some gratitudes you may have to play with a bit to actually feel the gratitude. The important thing to remember is that we must FEEL the gratitude not just think it. It is the feeling of appreciation that is the key to feeling happier and to having more of what we really want.