The Mind is a Fascinating Place

Recently, I had a serious health scare. After numerous tests, the diagnosis is still unsure, but it's not the one I most feared and the doctors seemed to think was most likely. During the testing phase, my mind went to all the scary places. My ego took on the persona of "life as I know it is over". I ruminated on all the things I would no longer be able to do (including things I've never done nor ever intended to do). No more mountain climbing for me!! I wasn't depressed or overly worried, but seemed to be preparing myself for the worst and trying to come to terms with it.

One of the things I noticed was that I really regretted waiting so long to do some of the things that I'm really interested in. I waited until I was semi-retired, then I waited until I moved, then I waited until..., well you get the picture. And I was angry that I had wasted so much energy doing things like cleaning house and running around doing errands. I tend to "take care of business" (meaning tasks, work, cleaning, errands, etc.) before allowing myself to do what I enjoy.

I feel like I've been given a second chance at correcting my mistakes and taking charge of my life. I want to have more fun and be kinder. I want to do many more physical things like hiking and kayaking. I want to look and feel better, being more physically fit. I intend on meditating more and regularly.

I am grateful for this second chance, so few of us get one. I am making good on my promises to myself to make substantive changes in how I view fun and it's place in my life.

Wish me well!

A Sin Against the Light

I just finished watching a British mini-series called "All Passion Spent". It is the story of an elderly woman in the British aristocracy whose husband died. She'd spent her entire life doing what was expected of her. She married well as her parents expected. Her husband was the prime minister of India and she fulfilled her duties as his wife with grace. She had children and raised them, created a home, and endured with love and without bitterness. By outward appearances she had a wonderful life. So what was the problem? She was "meant" to be an artist. She loved beauty and art, but had entirely given up this part of herself as it did not fit in with her expected life.

So now she is 85 and finally asserts her desires on her life. She moves to a small cottage (from the big mansion) away from her children. She has a beautiful garden and makes the home cozy and filled with light as she has always desired, but could never have. She surrounds herself with interesting people (some from the "trades") and meets up with an old gentleman acquaintance from India. Even though she doesn't remember him from 60 years before, he understands her now as he understood her back then. In their conversations about her life and her missing art, he says that her not pursuing her art was a "sin against the light." I really love that phrase although I'm not much into the whole sin thing. It has a double meaning, since light is so important in art. The light being sinned against can be the light we see or the inner light (soul, spirit or the source of all being).

It really describes what I think so many of us do with our lives. We "sin against the light" by not being all we can be. By not doing what we were truly meant to do. That thing we were meant to be and do can be anything. It doesn't have to be something as romantic as being an artist. It can be teaching, or being a mother raising good children, or being a whiz at gardening. The trouble is we often take our role in life and because we're doing a good and important job (such as raising children) and rationalize that this must be what we were supposed to do. All the while ignoring the tightening up of our hearts, the depression, the dis-ease that will come about when we ignore our most inner longings.

So what messages from your heart or soul are you ignoring? Can you explore them? Can you give yourself permission to take a few baby steps toward the light? Toward expressing your being in your own unique way?

Talking Yourself Out of Life

One of the illuminating exercise we do in my workshops includes a list of questions designed to ferret out your inner desires or dreams. We spend about 30 to 45 minutes answering the questions individually and then share the answers. It is amazing to me how often the answers are easily achievable or could be done right now in a few minutes. Sometimes everything on their list is easily do-able, inexpensive and could be accomplished in a reasonable amount for time. And yet the desires remain unfulfilled.

Let me give you an example. One woman's answer to one of the questions was that she wanted red shoes. She said she's wanted them for years. Really didn't even matter to her whether they were high heels or tennis shoes, expensive or cheap, they just had to be red. When asked why she didn't just go buy some? Because they are "impractical" and she already had enough shoes. She practiced living simply and this didn't fit in with her rules about owning stuff. All of which is fine except that she really wanted those shoes!

Pfffffttt!

When I suggested she go after class and buy the red shoes, she look amazed and said, "I guess I could do that." She talked herself out of something she wanted based on a life rule she made up (or was passed on to her). At the very least, she would have learned something about herself if she'd bought the shoes. Instead, she denied herself a little joy, a little self-knowledge and ignored a longing of hers. Therein lies the road to unhappiness.

I've noticed that all of us make decisions not to try something, not to go for what we want, not to have something we want or be different, often, before we even try. Sometimes it is because of the box we're stuck in. Another way of saying that is because we live within our own rules, ones we made up or inherited and can't seem to break away from them. At times it is because of "conventional" wisdom. Or we are listening to others instead of following our hearts. Sometimes we don't want to rock the boat.

I heard one of my clients say the other day that she didn't want to be disappointed so she didn't try for things. After all, why set yourself up to be disappointed? The answer is because if you don't try you will miss the great things, you miss delivering on your dreams, you miss all the self-knowledge that comes with trying and winning, and yes, trying and not succeeding. You can't win if you don't play!

So what are you stopping yourself from doing without even trying? What is missing from your life that you could easily do, be or have? What is the self-talk you are listening to that stops you before you make an honest effort to satisfy your desires and live your dreams? Write them down and label them appropriately. Are they excuses? Are they your thoughts or someone else's? Can you give yourself permission to get what you want even though there are "good" reasons not to go for it?

Going after what you desire is what makes life juicy. It's what brings on the joy and expands your life force. So open up the box and step outside of it. It's where all the adventure is.

Resolve to Be You in 2008

It is a funny thing that most of us aren't really "us"! We are not the person we were meant to be or could have been without the influences of parents, school, church, spouses and society. As we grow up, most of us are molded into something less than our best. And by that I mean less than the best "You". We are pushed or encouraged to go to college and become a certain profession. We may be pushed to marry or marry for money or warned against marriage. We may be encouraged by our spouses to work or to stay at home, to remain dumb about money or to contribute. We may be told to be less tomboyish or to be more ladylike. There are a million different ways we are asked to fit in, to not make waves, or to be "normal".

One of our main jobs as adults is to figure out who we really are and who we are meant to be. I have a theory that the more authentic you are, that is, the more "the real you" you are, the happier you will be. In fact, I think not being yourself is the primary way most of us are unhappy. We are actually fighting ourselves in each and every moment. When we act as our true selves, we shine, we glow, we send off sparks. We have energy, we feel more at ease, we light up the world. When we are acting as someone else, we diminish our energy and feel uneasy in ourselves. We have many more difficulties such as poor health, poor relationships, confusion and indecision than we would if we were authentic.

Ask yourself these questions to start figuring out who you are meant to be.

1. What makes me light up or feel jazzed?
2. What things am I curious about that I'm avoiding?
3. Look back at the past five years. Can you identify a dozen things that you have said yes to? Things such as taking a certain career path? Marrying, divorcing or vowing bachelorhood? Particular fears you've allowed to take hold? In each case if you said yes to that action or path, what were you saying no to? These areas of "no" can be enlightening.
4. If you were writing your autobiography at this point in your life, what do you wish you could say?

Look at the answers to these questions and see if any areas that give you a glimpse into actions that are calling you. In 2008, try one or two of these to see if you can become more of the real you.

Find Your Grail

I was lucky enough to see the hit Monty Python musical, "Spamalot", this weekend. It was incredibly funny and entertaining. We had such a great time. If you get the chance to see it, go!

One of the songs in the play was "Find Your Grail", meaning find who you were meant to be, or find what you are meant to be doing in this life. The song expressed the true joy of being you and only you. So many of us plod down a path that was laid out for us by our parents or our upbringing and circumstances at birth. We fall into our careers based on whim or chance or what will gain us the most money. We choose as a 19 year old, either after high school or in college, what we will do for the rest of our lives. Our career choices often become our identity. Our egos cling to this, creating a huge story about our life as a ____ (doctor, teacher, mechanic, VP, mother, etc.) We puff up with pride or cringe in embarrassment about what we do. We take it on as if it were who we are. We eventually believe that our professions are who we are and that without this profession, we'd be no one. We weren't born being this vocation, it is a choice and can be unchosen. After all, when introductions are made, the next question is often, what do you do? And we answer with our career choice, I'm a doctor! A much more interesting question is "who are you when you're not at work?"

Find Your Grail. I like the picture of going on a holy quest for the grail, the answer to life's questions about who you are meant to be. Everyone goes on this quest at some point in their lives. Some do it early, some late. Some do it thoughtfully and well, some don't. The quest is to discover who you are, what your unique gifts are and how they can be expressed in the world.

What can you do today to begin this quest?

• Take stock of where you are.


• What are you doing with your time and energy?


• How do you feel about your career or lack of one?


• How do you feel about your life, in general?


• What talents and gifts do you have that you can share with the world?


• In what ways and how often do these get expressed?


• What are your favorite things to do, things that make you feel more alive?


• Make a life list of things you want to do before you die. Then start doing them. You'll find out a lot about you are and what you are interested in by this exercise.

In case you're interested, the song lyrics can be found at http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/spamalot/findyourgrail.htm

An Estrangement with Self

Those of you who have been in my workshops or my clients know that I strongly believe that happiness is tied to being who you really are, that is, your authentic self. Another way of saying that is being true to your self (your true self).

All of us are trained from birth to be a certain way. That certain way is the way of our parents, our extended family, our friends, our church, the media, our culture, our schools and others who may have an influence on our early selves. Many of us were taught to be the opposite of who we were naturally as a child. Maybe we were too inquisitive, too rambunctious, too quiet, too smart for our britches, too pushy, and the list goes on. Maybe we chose our schools and jobs based on our parents' or grandparents' wishes. The old alma mater which was perfect for Grandpa was chosen for you as well. And you may have been gently guided (or not so gently) into your career. Possibly because your parents saw this as a good, solid career, or a money-maker for your security, or to live out the lives they were unable to live. How many mothers have pushed their own daughters to be in a sorority because they were unable to attend college? Or pushed their sons to be doctors because they never had the opportunity?

This molding is not just around careers, it shows up in every area of our lives. If you've got a problem in your life such as financial concerns or relationship concerns, you can usually look back to see how your current beliefs and values and feelings about these things were left to you by your parents or your childhood and early adult experiences.

So basically, we are estranged from our true selves. From the Merriam Webster online dictionary, estranged means:
1 : to remove from customary environment or associations 2 : to arouse especially mutual enmity or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness : alienate.
In essence there is a true, natural self, one we were meant to be. Some people associate this with our personality and how we are "wired". Others believe this relates to our "purpose or mission" in this life. To be estranged from our true selves causes 90% of all our unhappiness and angst. And mostly we are blind to it. We wonder what is wrong with us that we can't be happy at this "great" job or why we can't settle down to a "nice" relationship. And, of course, the answer is that there is nothing wrong with us. The wrong comes in our being trained to be someone else besides ourselves.

We all know someone like this. The artist hidden inside the computer programmer. The doctor inside the teacher. The born to be a mom inside the woman in a yuppie childless couple. The outspoken clown inside the reserved, quiet person. It can take almost any form imaginable.

The road to authenticity can be long, but is well worth the journey. It takes experimentation, insight and awareness, love and kindness with yourself and courage. All of us can take this journey. The payoff is more happiness, confidence, solidity and self-knowledge.

Double Dare You

Are you thinking about doing something out of your comfort zone? Maybe something that feels a little wacky or uncomfortable? Possibly something that causes you to seize up and be afraid? Good for you!

Stepping outside your comfort zone has so many benefits and so few downsides that you'd be crazy not to do it. However, that's not what most of us do. We fantasize about it, we dream about it, but when the fear comes up or when others judge us for our desires, we close down and sit down squarely in the middle of our own personal comfortable box.

One of the main jobs of our egos is to keep us safe. The ego will advise us to stay the course, to choose "wisely" and be "rational", meaning to stay the same and don't take any risks. Our thoughts scare us into behaving ("I'll get hurt", "this wouldn't be good", "it can't turn out well, look at everyone else who has failed at this", etc.). Egos were formed mostly in early childhood. Things that were dangerous then, are no longer dangerous, but try to tell your ego that! This means that many of our thoughts about taking a risk or trying something new are based on faulty thoughts, beliefs and assumptions about what may happen.

Taking a calculated risk, stepping outside our comfort zone, trying something new and daring, all have benefits. Just a few of them are:

• we feel better, more exhilarated, more excitement and passion


• we win even if we fail because we always learn something about ourselves, we gain insight


• our lives take on new dimensions, we meet new people, we learn new skills, we often feel something new, we have new experiences


• we gain self-confidence


• these new experiences are often the "door opening" to something even bigger and better


• we look forward to these experiences with happy anticipation

I double dare you to step out, live large, be bold and experience life!

Please leave a comment and let me know what you're thinking about doing to step outside your comfort zone.

Take Out the Trash

I read this phrase, "take out the trash", recently in a movie review and thought how much trash is in each of our lives. We look around our home or office and say, hey, there's no trash here. We organize, we declutter, we simplify...no trash here. And we do keep our homes and cars clean, our lawns nice, but that's not all that needs to be cleaned up. We take better care of our homes and cars than we do ourselves and our spirits, especially when it comes to trash!

What is trash?

Trash is negative thoughts and negative images hanging around in our ever-busy minds. Often put there by 100% voluntary consumption of violent TV, movies and books.

Trash is beating up on ourselves for all sorts of real and imagined faults. We're often kinder to strangers than we are to ourselves.

Trash is filling our lives with meaningless, even harmful, distractions that make us dull and lazy. Ruts and giving up begin here.

Trash is living small, staying in the box you grew up with even when it doesn't serve your best interests any more. Only a tree should stay stuck in the same place its entire life.

Trash is living with things that you dislike or even hate. You get to choose.

Trash is settling for less than you desire, less than you deserve.

Trash is sitting on the couch watching TV or playing computer games for endless hours when you could be exercising or meditating or living your passion or even playing with your spouse or children.

Trash is eating more fat and sugar in a day than a family of ten needs.

Trash is polluting your body and mind, killing your spirit with alcohol and other addictions.

Trash is hanging out with friends and family who run you down, take advantage of you, don't listen and validate and believe in you.

Trash is looking in the mirror and saying anything besides "I love you and you're beautiful/handsome."

Trash is going to a job you hate year after year, living in fear, not allowing yourself room to breathe and grow.

Trash is any attitude, belief or value that doesn't serve your highest and best interests.

You take out the trash in your house every day or every other day. You take it to the curb every week or so. You clean up your lawn once a week or every two weeks. Your car gets cleaned every week (okay, every two months!).

But how often do you clean out the trash in your most treasured possessions: Your mind and your body, your Self? How many years or even decades have you been living with trash? Can you feel it? Can you see all that trash piling up around you, holding you back, holding you down? Is it time to take out the trash?

Please leave a comment.

Copyright 2007, Mary Anne Fields and Life Unfolds. All rights reserved.

Ten Winning Ways to Say No

You can't manage your life, your time, your energy if you can't say no to unreasonable requests, things you don't want to do, and things that are clearly not in your best interest. Saying no is an art, but everyone can learn to do it. If you're the least bit uneasy saying no to your boss, your spouse, your children, strangers and friends, then read on.

Here are some ways for you to say no. Be clear and firm.

1. That won’t work for me.
2. I just do not enjoy doing that/that kind of work.
3. I have another commitment.
4. My calendar is full. Or I am already overcommitted.
5. I am in the middle of several time-consuming projects.
6. I need to focus more on my (work, family, health, etc.)
7. No, can’t do it. Or just plain no.
8. I can’t do it, but I know someone who can.
9. This is not my strong suit. Or I’m not really qualified to do this.
10. I am not comfortable with that.

If you are uneasy or out of practice with saying no, here are a few tips:

Don't justify, explain, defend, negotiate, or give details about why you are saying no. Why? First because you have every right to say for no reason at all. But even if you have a reason, it's no one else's business. Also, when you give a reason, it gives the requestor a chance to argue, push or negotiate you off that position. Better to just say no, shake your head, and change the subject.

Don't apologize or say you are sorry for having to say no. This puts you in a less than firm or weaker position. You really don't have to be sorry for doing what is right for you.

If someone continues to wheedle, ask, plead, or otherwise pushes you, just continue to say no. This is taught in some assertiveness classes. Just repetitively say no until they are worn down.

Practice saying no with someone you trust. Especially if you know someone is about to ask you for something you do not want to do. (To be PTA mom, or to watch their dog for a month, or to do just one more project, e.g.) Role play with your friend asking you the question and you saying no (see above for ways to say no). Practice until you feel very comfortable doing this.

It's also good to practice on small requests and/or with strangers first. Work your way up to your spouse, your family and your boss.

Trust me, it does get easier. You, too can be a world champion no-sayer!

What's your favorite way to say no? Leave a comment.


By Mary Anne Fields of Life Unfolds, copyright 2007, all rights reserved. http://www.LifeUnfolds.com