Talking Yourself Out of Life

One of the illuminating exercise we do in my workshops includes a list of questions designed to ferret out your inner desires or dreams. We spend about 30 to 45 minutes answering the questions individually and then share the answers. It is amazing to me how often the answers are easily achievable or could be done right now in a few minutes. Sometimes everything on their list is easily do-able, inexpensive and could be accomplished in a reasonable amount for time. And yet the desires remain unfulfilled.

Let me give you an example. One woman's answer to one of the questions was that she wanted red shoes. She said she's wanted them for years. Really didn't even matter to her whether they were high heels or tennis shoes, expensive or cheap, they just had to be red. When asked why she didn't just go buy some? Because they are "impractical" and she already had enough shoes. She practiced living simply and this didn't fit in with her rules about owning stuff. All of which is fine except that she really wanted those shoes!

Pfffffttt!

When I suggested she go after class and buy the red shoes, she look amazed and said, "I guess I could do that." She talked herself out of something she wanted based on a life rule she made up (or was passed on to her). At the very least, she would have learned something about herself if she'd bought the shoes. Instead, she denied herself a little joy, a little self-knowledge and ignored a longing of hers. Therein lies the road to unhappiness.

I've noticed that all of us make decisions not to try something, not to go for what we want, not to have something we want or be different, often, before we even try. Sometimes it is because of the box we're stuck in. Another way of saying that is because we live within our own rules, ones we made up or inherited and can't seem to break away from them. At times it is because of "conventional" wisdom. Or we are listening to others instead of following our hearts. Sometimes we don't want to rock the boat.

I heard one of my clients say the other day that she didn't want to be disappointed so she didn't try for things. After all, why set yourself up to be disappointed? The answer is because if you don't try you will miss the great things, you miss delivering on your dreams, you miss all the self-knowledge that comes with trying and winning, and yes, trying and not succeeding. You can't win if you don't play!

So what are you stopping yourself from doing without even trying? What is missing from your life that you could easily do, be or have? What is the self-talk you are listening to that stops you before you make an honest effort to satisfy your desires and live your dreams? Write them down and label them appropriately. Are they excuses? Are they your thoughts or someone else's? Can you give yourself permission to get what you want even though there are "good" reasons not to go for it?

Going after what you desire is what makes life juicy. It's what brings on the joy and expands your life force. So open up the box and step outside of it. It's where all the adventure is.

A Blank Slate

What if you had a blank slate for your life, right now in this moment? At one time, at birth, we did have a blank slate. Unfortunately, we were not the only ones writing on the slate. Our parents, churches, schools, friends and cultural communities all helped us to fill up the slate. The result? What we are living right now! Our life slate is filled with the good and the bad, the daily activities, the viewpoints and feelings and the people, places and things that we experience in each moment of our lives.

Can you imagine your life as a blank slate? Without all the problems, perceived limitations, and pressures? Without current obligations, duties and stress?

Sit down in a comfortable place where you won't be disturbed for at least half an hour. A couple of hours is even better. Imagine the blank slate. If your own life keeps intruding, mentally erase the images until you have a blank slate. Don't spend a lot of time here, because the result is in imagining the new, not spending time and energy on the old. Give yourself permission at the outset to be relaxed and playful with this contemplation. Allow yourself to really stretch your imagination.

Fill the slate with what you'd like your life to be like. Include the satisfying people, places and things you have now, and add the elements you desire. Or start completely new. The slate can be large and include your entire life or lifestyle or can be small and focus on a single element in your life. For example, you may focus on your career or job, or your relationships, or your financial situation.

Include people, places and things, but also include feelings, perceptions, world-views, and ambience or environment. For example, imagine yourself being even more patient or generous or kind. You might imagine you are more sophisticated or courageous or powerful that you perceive yourself now. You may include only people who respect and love you. Include smells, and visual and auditory and sensual aspects as well. After all, it is you imagining it and it can be anything you desire.

When judging thoughts intrude, such as "you can't have that" or "you don't really want to be rid of him, after all how would you live?" or "you're way too old to do that", just put them in a bubble and allow them to gently float away. If that doesn't work, remind yourself that you are simply playing with images in your mind and you are allowed to do anything you wish in that space. Simply ignore any other thoughts.

You'll know you are on the right track in your imaginings when you feel happy and excited. Keep playing with the images and sounds until you have what you desire.

When you are ready to complete the meditation, simply say to yourself, "I now have all of this and more."

I like to do this exercise every day for a few minutes. I just close my eyes and playfully allow vignettes to entertain me for a few minutes. One day my focus may be me hiking in a beautiful mountain setting. Another day it might be me looking at my bank balance and being overjoyed. Another day, I might focus on being with girlfriends in a spa, having a lot of fun and enjoying the friendship. The picture variety is endless, limited only by your own imagination.

The more you do this exercise, the more energy and focus you are giving your dreams. It is a fun way to practice bringing more of what you desire into your life. I'm betting that you will be amazed at what comes your way simply on the basis of this exercise, practiced daily.

After all, your life really is a blank slate. Everything you are experiencing today was caused by what you desired, and what you did in the past. Everything you are thinking and feeling today, every action you take is setting up your future. So spend more time thinking and feeling what you really want and see what happens.

Find Your Grail

I was lucky enough to see the hit Monty Python musical, "Spamalot", this weekend. It was incredibly funny and entertaining. We had such a great time. If you get the chance to see it, go!

One of the songs in the play was "Find Your Grail", meaning find who you were meant to be, or find what you are meant to be doing in this life. The song expressed the true joy of being you and only you. So many of us plod down a path that was laid out for us by our parents or our upbringing and circumstances at birth. We fall into our careers based on whim or chance or what will gain us the most money. We choose as a 19 year old, either after high school or in college, what we will do for the rest of our lives. Our career choices often become our identity. Our egos cling to this, creating a huge story about our life as a ____ (doctor, teacher, mechanic, VP, mother, etc.) We puff up with pride or cringe in embarrassment about what we do. We take it on as if it were who we are. We eventually believe that our professions are who we are and that without this profession, we'd be no one. We weren't born being this vocation, it is a choice and can be unchosen. After all, when introductions are made, the next question is often, what do you do? And we answer with our career choice, I'm a doctor! A much more interesting question is "who are you when you're not at work?"

Find Your Grail. I like the picture of going on a holy quest for the grail, the answer to life's questions about who you are meant to be. Everyone goes on this quest at some point in their lives. Some do it early, some late. Some do it thoughtfully and well, some don't. The quest is to discover who you are, what your unique gifts are and how they can be expressed in the world.

What can you do today to begin this quest?

• Take stock of where you are.


• What are you doing with your time and energy?


• How do you feel about your career or lack of one?


• How do you feel about your life, in general?


• What talents and gifts do you have that you can share with the world?


• In what ways and how often do these get expressed?


• What are your favorite things to do, things that make you feel more alive?


• Make a life list of things you want to do before you die. Then start doing them. You'll find out a lot about you are and what you are interested in by this exercise.

In case you're interested, the song lyrics can be found at http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/spamalot/findyourgrail.htm

An Estrangement with Self

Those of you who have been in my workshops or my clients know that I strongly believe that happiness is tied to being who you really are, that is, your authentic self. Another way of saying that is being true to your self (your true self).

All of us are trained from birth to be a certain way. That certain way is the way of our parents, our extended family, our friends, our church, the media, our culture, our schools and others who may have an influence on our early selves. Many of us were taught to be the opposite of who we were naturally as a child. Maybe we were too inquisitive, too rambunctious, too quiet, too smart for our britches, too pushy, and the list goes on. Maybe we chose our schools and jobs based on our parents' or grandparents' wishes. The old alma mater which was perfect for Grandpa was chosen for you as well. And you may have been gently guided (or not so gently) into your career. Possibly because your parents saw this as a good, solid career, or a money-maker for your security, or to live out the lives they were unable to live. How many mothers have pushed their own daughters to be in a sorority because they were unable to attend college? Or pushed their sons to be doctors because they never had the opportunity?

This molding is not just around careers, it shows up in every area of our lives. If you've got a problem in your life such as financial concerns or relationship concerns, you can usually look back to see how your current beliefs and values and feelings about these things were left to you by your parents or your childhood and early adult experiences.

So basically, we are estranged from our true selves. From the Merriam Webster online dictionary, estranged means:
1 : to remove from customary environment or associations 2 : to arouse especially mutual enmity or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness : alienate.
In essence there is a true, natural self, one we were meant to be. Some people associate this with our personality and how we are "wired". Others believe this relates to our "purpose or mission" in this life. To be estranged from our true selves causes 90% of all our unhappiness and angst. And mostly we are blind to it. We wonder what is wrong with us that we can't be happy at this "great" job or why we can't settle down to a "nice" relationship. And, of course, the answer is that there is nothing wrong with us. The wrong comes in our being trained to be someone else besides ourselves.

We all know someone like this. The artist hidden inside the computer programmer. The doctor inside the teacher. The born to be a mom inside the woman in a yuppie childless couple. The outspoken clown inside the reserved, quiet person. It can take almost any form imaginable.

The road to authenticity can be long, but is well worth the journey. It takes experimentation, insight and awareness, love and kindness with yourself and courage. All of us can take this journey. The payoff is more happiness, confidence, solidity and self-knowledge.