An Estrangement with Self

Those of you who have been in my workshops or my clients know that I strongly believe that happiness is tied to being who you really are, that is, your authentic self. Another way of saying that is being true to your self (your true self).

All of us are trained from birth to be a certain way. That certain way is the way of our parents, our extended family, our friends, our church, the media, our culture, our schools and others who may have an influence on our early selves. Many of us were taught to be the opposite of who we were naturally as a child. Maybe we were too inquisitive, too rambunctious, too quiet, too smart for our britches, too pushy, and the list goes on. Maybe we chose our schools and jobs based on our parents' or grandparents' wishes. The old alma mater which was perfect for Grandpa was chosen for you as well. And you may have been gently guided (or not so gently) into your career. Possibly because your parents saw this as a good, solid career, or a money-maker for your security, or to live out the lives they were unable to live. How many mothers have pushed their own daughters to be in a sorority because they were unable to attend college? Or pushed their sons to be doctors because they never had the opportunity?

This molding is not just around careers, it shows up in every area of our lives. If you've got a problem in your life such as financial concerns or relationship concerns, you can usually look back to see how your current beliefs and values and feelings about these things were left to you by your parents or your childhood and early adult experiences.

So basically, we are estranged from our true selves. From the Merriam Webster online dictionary, estranged means:
1 : to remove from customary environment or associations 2 : to arouse especially mutual enmity or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness : alienate.
In essence there is a true, natural self, one we were meant to be. Some people associate this with our personality and how we are "wired". Others believe this relates to our "purpose or mission" in this life. To be estranged from our true selves causes 90% of all our unhappiness and angst. And mostly we are blind to it. We wonder what is wrong with us that we can't be happy at this "great" job or why we can't settle down to a "nice" relationship. And, of course, the answer is that there is nothing wrong with us. The wrong comes in our being trained to be someone else besides ourselves.

We all know someone like this. The artist hidden inside the computer programmer. The doctor inside the teacher. The born to be a mom inside the woman in a yuppie childless couple. The outspoken clown inside the reserved, quiet person. It can take almost any form imaginable.

The road to authenticity can be long, but is well worth the journey. It takes experimentation, insight and awareness, love and kindness with yourself and courage. All of us can take this journey. The payoff is more happiness, confidence, solidity and self-knowledge.