I'll be Happy When

It's the human condition. All of us look to things outside ourselves to make us happy. How often have you said to yourself, "I'll be so happy when I get that job!" or "I'll be happy when I have my own business." or "I'll be happy when I'm married to him." or so on. Another version of this is the "if only" version. If only I was rich, I'd be happy. If only I had a boyfriend, I'd be happy. If only I looked like her, I'd be happy. What's your version of this story?

Spend a few minutes right now writing down all the things that would make you happy.

Have you noticed how often we postpone our happiness? Waiting on something "out there" to make us happy? We are in a constant state of limbo, waiting on some condition, some situation to create happiness or contentment for us. Often when we get the thing we were waiting on to make us happy, one of two things happens. First you feel happiness, but it only lasts from a few moments to a few months, depending on the event and who you are. Or it doesn't bring you happiness at all...either you find fault with it (it wasn't perfect, it wasn't what you expected, etc.) or you discovered IT wasn't what would make you happy after all.

Have you ever salivated over a beautiful sweater or a new pair of shoes. Maybe you saw them on your lunch hour but the cost was too expensive. You go back to the store several times to lust after them. You get excited and want them so badly. Underlying this desire is a feeling that the clothing will bring you happiness. Somehow the clothing will make you look better, be better and cause people to be attracted to you which will bring you happiness. Have you ever then bought the item, the sweater or the shoes, only to find that the happy feeling went away after a few minutes or a day or two? All that anticipation, all that excitement, all that money, bought you two minutes of happiness.

What about living in your dream house? You may have spent years planning it, looking at models and blueprints, dreaming of the house that was perfect for you. You envisioned yourself in the house being happier, living a better life, somehow being a better person there. After you moved into your dream house, what happened? Most likely, you were thrilled with it for a few weeks, but after a year or so, it no longer contributed to your happiness. You might be happy with the house, but not happy. You may have liked living there, and are even pleased with the house, but you had moved on to other desires to bring you happiness.

Unfortunately, that is the way it works. When you look outside yourself for happiness, even if you are able to get what you want and be happy, it never lasts. It is temporary at best. We always have a new desire arise and this new desire is what will "finally" make us happy. Not only that, looking outside ourselves for happiness means we are constantly controlled by or under the power of those things outside ourselves. If it is our job that has to make us happy, then we must find and keep the job, no matter what. We may put up with long hours, a cranky boss, underutilizing our skills, being bored, etc. If it is a mate that has to make us happy, we are dependent on him or her. If he expresses love, we're happy. If he is angry, we're unhappy.

Meanwhile, life goes on. Life is what is happening to you right now. Life can only be lived right now. It cannot be lived tomorrow, nor yesterday, only right now. And it follows that happiness can only be felt and expressed right now. If we are always waiting for something to happen or someone to do something, we are postponing our happiness. Happiness is here and now and can never be anywhere else.

As long as happiness depends on outside events, people and situations, you will live with unhappiness. Just as soon as you get rich, your husband leaves you. As soon as you find love, your health will decline. Your health gets better, and the stock market falls or you lose your job. The house you love gets termites. You get wrinkles. Your wife cheats on you. Well, you get the idea.

So where does that leave us? Happiness is chosen by you for yourself. It is a lifestyle choice, not an event or a person or a situation. The only true happiness, the only lasting happiness is that which you create for yourself from within yourself.

How does this happen? It happens when you understand and honor that you are the only person who can make you happy. (No more blaming others for your unhappiness.) It happens when you choose happiness over boredom, despair, crankiness, anger and sadness. It happens by the choices you make day in and day out. It happens when you choose to overcome your old patterns and limiting beliefs, things inside yourself that contribute to your misery. It happens when you nurture yourself, your mind, your body and your spirit. It happens by creating your own happiness in each and every moment.

Now saying this does not mean you just live with whatever cards you are dealt. You still go on trying to make your life better. You get educated. You try to find a career that pays you well and stimulates your intellect and passions. You love and are loved. You improve your friendships. You choose healthy activities and food. I'm not implying that you don't strive to have a good life. I'm saying that those things alone will not make you happy. They may contribute to your sense of well-being, but will not result in lasting happiness.

My challenge to you: don't believe me, try it out for yourself. Notice the happiness roller coaster most of us live on. We want something to make us happy, we get it, we are happy, we get unhappy, we want something else to make us happy, and so on. Then start to notice how often when we are happy, it has nothing to do with anything outside ourselves. We wake up happy one day and it lasts all day even when several "bad" things happen. If you can do it one day, you can do it every day. Start to practice. See what happens for yourself.

All content copyrighted, 2006, Life Unfolds and Mary Anne Fields. All rights reserved.