Run Away

Do you ever feel like running away? Chucking it all and leaving with nary a good-bye? I think this is a common response when we feel overwhelmed or have too many issues going on at the same time. I recently had three major family issues all going at the same time. I could handle two, but the third one brought on the feelings of, I've got to get out of here. I could hear the knight in Monty Python's The Holy Grail saying "Run away, run away, run away!" in my head over and over. Just run away!

So while part of me truly wanted to run away to escape my problems, because I am a "somewhat" mature individual, I didn't. I muddled my way through each of the messes (none of my own making, by the way) until resolved.

In each of our lives, though, we must look at the problems and say what is the "run away" message asking of us or telling us to do. Literally, it may be saying to run away, change your life, get out of this mess. And sometimes, this is the easiest and best way to move on or transform your life situation. I don't advocate running away without a goodbye, but a planned move may be just the ticket. And other times, this is just your ego's response to the overwhelm and your need to get a little relief. Only by asking yourself questions can you assess what this message means for you. A little relief and nurturing needed or a whole life overhaul?

Oftentimes, we don't move on when we need to because of fear. The devil we do know is better than the devil we don't know as the saying goes. But if you are clear that where you are in your life is not where you want to be (career, mate, location, friends and family, etc.) and you don't believe it can be fixed, then staying is the worst thing you can do, especially for your own happiness and personal growth. Even if the move to something new causes anxiety, especially if the move to something new causes anxiety, stagnating is not the answer. The anxiety is a message that something new and possibly better is waiting for you. At the very least you will gain self-knowledge which will serve you in the future.

Here are some questions to explore this situation for yourself?

What can you learn about yourself if you stay in the situation?
What can you learn about yourself if you leave?

Is there a gift in this situation for me? A lesson I need to learn? What is it?
What good things will happen if you stay?
What good things will happen if you leave?
Are there remedies you can apply to the current situation that will make a big difference? (note that this does not include changing someone else!)
Is there a solution somewhere between staying and going? What might this look like?
How have you contributed to the mess you are in? If you are unclear, you may just recreate the situation again after you move on.
Are you truly ready for something different in your life?
Is this truly your problem?
If the problem is your family's or your friend's problem, why are you involved?
Is this what you want for your life?
And last of all, if this isn't what you want, what do you want in its place?
Running away from something rarely works, while running to something better may.

Have you ever run away as an adult? When and why? Did it solve the problem? How?

All blog content is copyrighted, all rights reserved, Mary Anne Fields and Life Unfolds, 2006

The MidLife Stretch

Mid-life seems to be a typical time for all of us to question what we are doing and why. We start looking around and asking the tough questions: "Is this it?" or "Is this all there is to life?" or "Surely, there's supposed to be a meaning or a purpose for my life, isn't there?"

Some of us will ask these questions, get anxious or nervous and close the questions off. We think it may require too much change or that we leave our jobs or our spouses or move to some exotic locale. Some think it will require too much energy or too much work to change. We let fear and our unruly thoughts rule the day. This to me is a crying shame because everywhere we look are ways to expand who we are and get in touch with a deeper meaning and purpose. Without a major overhaul in our lives.

I am a big believer in small steps. Often the smallest of steps can be the start of something huge. One step after another, we learn more about ourselves and build upon each thing we learn. Each thing we learn allows us to deepen our understanding of who we are and why we are here. Often these learning experiences are fun, expansive, interesting or fascinating, even compelling for us. Our curiosity can often lead us to the next thing we are to try.

Is there something you want to learn more about that may lead to a better understanding of yourself or your place in the world. Many things may not seem so on the surface, so broaden your questions. For example, you may be thinking I am saying you should go on a spiritual quest or read books about human psychology. Not so. Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean.

I have been afraid of the water much of my life. I don't know why; there does not seem to have been a precipitating event. I tried many times as a child and as an adult to overcome this, but was not able to until my mid-thirties. All my friends were taking vacations and going scuba diving. My boyfriend at the time was a diver. I really wanted to go! I signed up for scuba diving lessons. I know! What was I thinking. I don't think I fully understood they actually expected you to swim while diving and that I had to go in the deep end of the pool. Duh! This is where I think the Universe was sending me a way to overcome an obstacle, a place where I was stuck. My thinking was unusually short-sighted and I definitely didn't "look into it" before signing up. It is one of the few times I acted spontaneously. So what happened?

I attended the first class at a local pool. The first thing we had to do was swim ten round-trip laps of an olympic sized pool. We paired up with someone and each counted the other's laps. As the Universe would have it, I was paired up with... TA DA... a swimming teacher! I told her my problem; I can't swim and I'm afraid of the water. She didn't blink. She asked "Can you float?" I said sure. She said, "Lay on your back, kick your feet and relax." You can do all ten laps that way. And, of course, I did it! I wasn't even the last swimmer to complete. The class was 8 weeks long and I got progressively more comfortable in the water. The last hurdle was the last class, where we had to dive to the bottom of the 12 foot deep end and put on all our gear including our weight belt, tank, fins, mask, etc. That means you have to dive down and stay down there long enough to get your gear on, then swim to the top wearing heavy weights. I waited clutching the side of the deep end of the pool. I got more and more afraid as each person tested themselves. A couple were unable to do this test, which didn't help me any because they could swim! By the time it was my turn, the last one, I was crying, sure I was not going to be able to do it. The dive instructor was not kind, yelled to hurry up and get with it. I swam out to him still crying, did a perfect dive to the bottom of the pool, put on all the gear and swam up triumphantly. Wow, what a feeling! I felt the fear but did it anyway.

I learned many things from this experience which expanded my understanding about myself and also about how the world works. I learned that I have courage and that I could work with my fear. I learned that I am strong. I learned that things don't have to be done perfectly (picture Olympic quality backstroke), they just have to be good enough. I learned that the Universe works on my behalf and in incredibly mysterious ways. I learned that acting spontaneously (the exact opposite of the way I normally did things, being very linear at that time in my life) worked out beautifully. This was the beginning of my concrete, linear thinking being loosened and softened. I began to see that there are other ways to see things than always in black and white and well planned out. All this from one 8 week class that seemingly had nothing to do with personal growth.

Another example from my own life. As some of you may know, I worked in the computer field for 25 years. Again, in my thirties, while I was working in the space technology field (very conservative, very left brain), I decided to take massage lessons to become a certified massage therapist. Again, I know! I decided on a whim and signed up only two days before the 16 week class was to begin. No research, no questions, no preparation. If I had done any of those things, I would never have done it. I have a million stories about this experience, but I'll share one. The first class, I brought nothing with me nor did I understand what was going to happen. After a lecture and a certain amount of orientation, they told us we would pair up and massage each other. I'm thinking, are you crazy? I'm not getting nude in front of a bunch of strangers! I assumed they would have "hired massagees". It never occurred to me that I would be practiced on. I cried, again, but I wasn't the only one. Apparently, this is one of the ways the massage teachers have you work through your body hangups and intimacy issues. Of course, again, I did it, even though I was very nervous and feeling more than a little foolish.

Massage is a very right brained activity. I learned an amazing number of things about myself during this class. I finished the class, but did not become certified as I knew that at that time it was too big of a stretch for me to go from computers to massage. I needed more personal expansion.

I have lots of other examples both from my own life, and from those of my clients. They all seem to have a few things in common though.

1. The first is a curiosity or desire to do something.
2. The second is a feeling of anxiety or fear about doing it.
3. The third is feeling that fear and doing it anyway.
4. The fourth is the incredible sense of accomplishment for doing it.
5. And the last is what you learned about yourself and the world by doing it.

All of these things are "stretches", not major life overhauls, nor even major things in our lives. But they can be life-changing or pivotal in starting the changes that can help you to live more freely, more joyfully, and more congruently with your real purpose.

So what are you curious about? Are you willing to sign up even though you have reservations or anxiety or even outright fear? Do you secretly want to sing but are afraid your voice isn't "Olympic" quality? Are you drawn to a religion that isn't your family of origin's? When you see others doing a particular activity, a sport, art or whatever, do you wish you could do that too? I urge you to try something new. Stretch outside your comfort zone, push yourself a little, expand your life. You'll be much happier if you do.

All blog content is copyrighted, all rights reserved, Mary Anne Fields and Life Unfolds, 2006

Ways to Know Who You Really Are

We, all of us, go around looking for others to satisfy our needs and wants. We want our spouses to be more attentive or more romantic. We want the guy on the freeway to pay attention to where we are and to give us our due. We want our boss to like and praise us. We want our mothers to love us or validate us. And the list goes on.

Other people in our lives are simply mirrors for us. We project on to them our own pictures, our own needs and wants and stories. I believe this idea was originated by Carl Jung. The wonderful thing about this idea is that absolutely everyone we come into contact with can provide us with incredible self-knowledge and awareness if we only choose to look.

The first time I truly realized how little of what we think we know about other people is illusion was in my former workplace. I and a friend were walking down the hall talking. At the other end of a very long hall was a guy I'll call "Bob". Bob was walking towards us, but still a long way off. At this point my friend said in a very caustic voice "Can you believe Bob? What a jerk! He's avoiding me because he hates me and I don't like him either." This was said as he turned down another hallway. I, on the other hand, have always had good experiences with Bob. He loaned me his car once when my car broke down. I'd been at meetings with him and always found him courteous and knowledgeable. So I liked him. I had been thinking of raising my hand and saying hi to him. I realized in an instant how much of what we think is true is just made up in our own minds. How could our experience of the exact same event have been so different?

For example, in this case, Bob could have been going to the restroom which was in the hall he turned down. He could have been avoiding my friend or me or both. He might not have even seen us, that is, been thinking deeply about something and not aware of his surroundings. He might hate me and like her or be neutral to us both. There is no way for either of us to know what he was thinking or why he turned away. Even asking wouldn't necessarily be the truth, because Bob could have lied or even not totally have known his own reasoning for why he did what he did. I was projecting my own story of "I like Bob and people are generally benign/friendly" onto Bob and my friend was projecting her own story of "Bob doesn't like me and the world is generally an unfriendly place."

Here's another brief example of how this works. Again, at a corporate job I had some years back, I was walking down the hall and passed the VP I worked for. I said "Hi, Bill!" enthusiastically. He didn't even look my way and passed me by. (Has this ever happened to you?!!) I was sure he'd heard me and was pointedly ignoring me. I spent several days being upset, sure I'd done something wrong and he was angry with me, even thinking I might be fired. Notice this is all about me. A few days later, Bill popped into my office with a big grin on his face. "Hey, Mary Anne, how's things?!" I was surprised and played along. We talked as if nothing had occurred. He even mentioned he hadn't seen me in a few weeks. I finally blurted out that I'd seen him just three days before in this very hall. He looked perplexed and said he must have been thinking about something and just didn't hear me. Notice all the stories I made up based on my own beliefs (that he saw and heard me) and my own stories, my lack of self-confidence and concern about authority. Bill was perfectly "mirroring" for me my own insecurity about my job and my lack of assertiveness with authority figures. It was right there for me to see, because this wasn't about Bill, it was about my thoughts, beliefs, emotions and "stories".

The point is that all of our reactions to people and events are our own. We "make them up" based on our own history, beliefs, temperament, conditioning, values, etc. We project, unconsciously mostly, on to others our own stories and needs.

That might be a little hard to swallow. But I am betting that if you test it out, you'll know it's true. How many times have you thought one thing about a situation only later to find out it wasn't true at all? How many times have you heard several people describe the same event in startling different ways?

Here's a little exercise to tell you what you are really needing (another way of saying who you are at this time) by using others as a mirror.

Exercise:

• Write down a list of all the things you wish your spouse would do for you. ( for example, wish he were kinder or with he would listen to me) (another variation of this is to write down all the qualities you want in a mate)
• Write down a list of all the things you wish your best friend would do for you. (for example, wish she would be more respectful of my time)
• Write down a list of all the things you wish your parents would do for you. (for example, wish your father would say I love you, wish your mother would not put you down or criticize you)

Now take the entire list and analyze it by asking these questions:

• In what way do I not do that for myself? (for example, in what way am I not kind to myself)
• In what area(s) of my life do I not do that for my self?
• For myself, do I ___________ (listen to my self, be kind to myself, criticize my self, etc.)

The idea here is that if you need more kindness in your life, you will project that need on to others and they will be seen as unkind. Or you will attract unkind people in to your life because of the belief and need. After all if you need more kindness, it means you are bereft of kindness or even have a life filled with unkindness. Somewhere there is a lack of kindness and it is that "lack" that is projected.

The good news is that you can change this simply by giving what you need to yourself. If it is kindness that you need, be kind to yourself. If you need to be listened to, listen carefully to yourself, validate your own words. If you need to be loved, love yourself. Do the things that a mother or a lover would do for you to make you feel loved. Once the need is satisfied, the projection on to others will change. You will have kind people show up in your life or a love interest will appear. In the law of attraction language, you get what you feel. If you are feeling loved, you will attract loving people. If you feel secure, you will attract secure and safe surroundings and people.

Test this out for yourself. See what you can learn about your own needs.

All blog content is copyrighted, all rights reserved, Mary Anne Fields and Life Unfolds, 2006

Solo Camping Trip

I just got home from my summer vacation. As you may know, I needed a break from the Houston heat, and decided to take off for a few days.

This first pic is from Palo Duro Canyon in Texas. I drove from Houston to there on my first day out. Long day, but worth the view.

And the second is my campsite in Hyde Memorial State Park just a few miles outside Santa Fe, NM. I stayed in this park for three days. Once I reached NM, it rained every day. But it was still cool and really beautiful. My camp site was next to a small creek and I could hear the water over the rocks along with the wind moving through the tall evergreens. It was exactly what I was seeking, some place to get refreshed and invigorated again.

I also visited Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Jemez Springs, Chimayo, and Taos in NM. Drove home through the Texas hill country.




All blog content is copyrighted, all rights reserved, Mary Anne Fields and Life Unfolds, 2006

The Joy of Solo Excursions

I just returned from a solo camping trip out of state in Santa Fe, New Mexico and thereabouts. I talked with lots of folks before and during my trip, some I know and some new faces. The most common reaction from everyone was "You're camping/traveling alone??!!!" Some thought it was not safe and some thought I would be bored. Some could not even fathom why I'd ever do that by myself. As in, what fun is that?!

This was not my first solo camping trip, nor my first solo travel. I love to camp and I love to do it alone. I'm happy when others want to join me, but if the only way I get to camp is by myself, that's great with me. I also travel alone, eat out alone, go to movies alone, well, you get the picture. I am married, but we don't always like the same activities. And he's not always available when I am ready to do something. Same with friends and family.

So what are the advantages of traveling or doing activities by yourself? There are many and here are a few:

• You get to decide without any consideration of other's happiness, desires, or preferences. For women, this is often a problem as we are trained from birth to put other's wishes before ours. What a great place to get used to what it feels like to listen only to yourself and your own desires for a change.
• You get to be in charge and lead the way.
• You get to decide the pace, the direction, the start and the stop, basically everything.
• You can make real-time changes to your plan without any discussion.
• Often, you will speak to new people more easily because you don't have anyone else to talk to.
• That means you learn things you might not have otherwise.
• You may be able to do things you wouldn't do with your spouse/friends/family. Get up late or go to bed early, read all day, hike all day, take a nap, skinny dip, visit art galleries or churches, whatever floats your boat.
• You get to pick the radio station in the car or choose the CDs to listen to.
• You get to hear yourself think, and to reflect on what you are experiencing.
• It is your experience alone, not bounced off or interpreted by being with someone else.
• You may experience the kindness of strangers alone easier than when with someone. For example, when I camped in Hyde Memorial outside Santa Fe, the park ranger visited me a couple of times a day, just to make sure everything was okay. A couple of the campers stopped by to chat. I think this would not have happened if my husband had been there.
• You get to decide when to eat, what to eat, where to eat, and whether to eat.
• You learn about yourself by listening to yourself and acting on your desires.

I hope you can see how many positives there are to trying more things by yourself rather than always feeling you must have someone else to do them with. You may have tried in the past and not felt the joy. Try again and really notice what is going on. What are you feeling? Are there things you can do to explore and change that to something positive? For example, if you are afraid for your safety, what things can you do to make yourself feel more secure. When I camp, I choose state or national parks where other people are camping. I usually select a site near families and always let the park rangers know that I am a solo female. I also have a personal alarm in my tent as well as my car keys (which can set off the burglar alarm in my car). I am thoughtful about where I travel at night. I also have AAA for auto problems on the road so I never have to depend on help from strangers on the highway. All these things make me feel secure. This took some planning and some experience, and listening to my feelings. The point is that I didn't let my initial fear stop me from doing something I love to do; hike and camp.

If you think you will be bored or it just won't be fun without a friend, ask why that is. I think it is important that you be able to enjoy being alone at times. You have more freedom when this is a pleasurable experience.

What are you not doing because you don't have someone to do it with? Do you use the lack of a significant other or close friend as an excuse to deny yourself some of life's experiences? What are you waiting for?

I'd love to hear your comments about this article.

All blog content is copyrighted, all rights reserved, Mary Anne Fields and Life Unfolds, 2006