Mid-Life Unfolds

Life Unfolds - Dedicated to "Attracting What's Next in Mid-Life and Beyond!" Have you reached mid-life or beyond and are you wondering what is next? Life Unfolds provides business and personal coaching and training to help you thrive while answering the what nexts. We specialize in helping mid-lifers achieve their dreams, change careers, retire happily and to thrive through transitions. More information can be found at http://www.lifeunfolds.com.



Friday, January 25, 2008

Your Obit

It's a horrible thought, that we might die before our time. No one likes to think of it. Having just lost my sister-in-law, it has made me think about my own life and death.

What if I had to write my own obituary today? What would it say? Would it be everything I wished for my life to say? Does my life really express who I think I am?

Use this as an exercise in assessing your life at this point. Write your own obituary. Include your accomplishments and the important areas of your life.

Now write the obituary you wish you could write. Include everything you would like to be said at your passing. Are the two similar, very different? Any insight into what areas you'd like to change in your life? Is there anything you wish could be said about you?

Here are some paraphrased quotes from others who have done this exercise:

"I lived a great life. I was often the life of the party and brought joy to many."

"I lived my life with courage and honesty. Others looked up to me."

"I made a difference in the world. My life was played out on a huge stage with many players. My actions made real, lasting changes all over the world."

"My family loved me and I loved them. My family relationships were open and honest. My grandchildren will remember me with love."

"I was president of my own company. This company employed thousands and served the community with excellence."

"I became a millionaire before age 40. I used my money to further the cause of cleaning up the global environment. I made a difference."

"I made myself and others laugh, often."

"When you look in the dictionary under the word 'kind', you'll see my picture. That's my legacy."

May you live a very long, healthy and very fruitful life.

Labels: , , , ,

Talking Yourself Out of Life

One of the illuminating exercise we do in my workshops includes a list of questions designed to ferret out your inner desires or dreams. We spend about 30 to 45 minutes answering the questions individually and then share the answers. It is amazing to me how often the answers are easily achievable or could be done right now in a few minutes. Sometimes everything on their list is easily do-able, inexpensive and could be accomplished in a reasonable amount for time. And yet the desires remain unfulfilled.

Let me give you an example. One woman's answer to one of the questions was that she wanted red shoes. She said she's wanted them for years. Really didn't even matter to her whether they were high heels or tennis shoes, expensive or cheap, they just had to be red. When asked why she didn't just go buy some? Because they are "impractical" and she already had enough shoes. She practiced living simply and this didn't fit in with her rules about owning stuff. All of which is fine except that she really wanted those shoes!

Pfffffttt!

When I suggested she go after class and buy the red shoes, she look amazed and said, "I guess I could do that." She talked herself out of something she wanted based on a life rule she made up (or was passed on to her). At the very least, she would have learned something about herself if she'd bought the shoes. Instead, she denied herself a little joy, a little self-knowledge and ignored a longing of hers. Therein lies the road to unhappiness.

I've noticed that all of us make decisions not to try something, not to go for what we want, not to have something we want or be different, often, before we even try. Sometimes it is because of the box we're stuck in. Another way of saying that is because we live within our own rules, ones we made up or inherited and can't seem to break away from them. At times it is because of "conventional" wisdom. Or we are listening to others instead of following our hearts. Sometimes we don't want to rock the boat.

I heard one of my clients say the other day that she didn't want to be disappointed so she didn't try for things. After all, why set yourself up to be disappointed? The answer is because if you don't try you will miss the great things, you miss delivering on your dreams, you miss all the self-knowledge that comes with trying and winning, and yes, trying and not succeeding. You can't win if you don't play!


So what are you stopping yourself from doing without even trying? What is missing from your life that you could easily do, be or have? What is the self-talk you are listening to that stops you before you make an honest effort to satisfy your desires and live your dreams? Write them down and label them appropriately. Are they excuses? Are they your thoughts or someone else's? Can you give yourself permission to get what you want even though there are "good" reasons not to go for it?

Going after what you desire is what makes life juicy. It's what brings on the joy and expands your life force. So open up the box and step outside of it. It's where all the adventure is.

Labels: , , , , ,

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A Blank Slate


What if you had a blank slate for your life, right now in this moment? At one time, at birth, we did have a blank slate. Unfortunately, we were not the only ones writing on the slate. Our parents, churches, schools, friends and cultural communities all helped us to fill up the slate. The result? What we are living right now! Our life slate is filled with the good and the bad, the daily activities, the viewpoints and feelings and the people, places and things that we experience in each moment of our lives.

Can you imagine your life as a blank slate? Without all the problems, perceived limitations, and pressures? Without current obligations, duties and stress?


Sit down in a comfortable place where you won't be disturbed for at least half an hour. A couple of hours is even better. Imagine the blank slate. If your own life keeps intruding, mentally erase the images until you have a blank slate. Don't spend a lot of time here, because the result is in imagining the new, not spending time and energy on the old. Give yourself permission at the outset to be relaxed and playful with this contemplation. Allow yourself to really stretch your imagination.


Fill the slate with what you'd like your life to be like. Include the satisfying people, places and things you have now, and add the elements you desire. Or start completely new. The slate can be large and include your entire life or lifestyle or can be small and focus on a single element in your life. For example, you may focus on your career or job, or your relationships, or your financial situation.


Include people, places and things, but also include feelings, perceptions, world-views, and ambience or environment. For example, imagine yourself being even more patient or generous or kind. You might imagine you are more sophisticated or courageous or powerful that you perceive yourself now. You may include only people who respect and love you. Include smells, and visual and auditory and sensual aspects as well. After all, it is you imagining it and it can be anything you desire.


When judging thoughts intrude, such as "you can't have that" or "you don't really want to be rid of him, after all how would you live?" or "you're way too old to do that", just put them in a bubble and allow them to gently float away. If that doesn't work, remind yourself that you are simply playing with images in your mind and you are allowed to do anything you wish in that space. Simply ignore any other thoughts.


You'll know you are on the right track in your imaginings when you feel happy and excited. Keep playing with the images and sounds until you have what you desire.

When you are ready to complete the meditation, simply say to yourself, "I now have all of this and more."


I like to do this exercise every day for a few minutes. I just close my eyes and playfully allow vignettes to entertain me for a few minutes. One day my focus may be me hiking in a beautiful mountain setting. Another day it might be me looking at my bank balance and being overjoyed. Another day, I might focus on being with girlfriends in a spa, having a lot of fun and enjoying the friendship. The picture variety is endless, limited only by your own imagination.


The more you do this exercise, the more energy and focus you are giving your dreams. It is a fun way to practice bringing more of what you desire into your life. I'm betting that you will be amazed at what comes your way simply on the basis of this exercise, practiced daily.


After all, your life really is a blank slate. Everything you are experiencing today was caused by what you desired, and what you did in the past. Everything you are thinking and feeling today, every action you take is setting up your future. So spend more time thinking and feeling what you really want and see what happens.

Labels: , , , ,

Friday, January 11, 2008

Resolve to Be You in 2008

It is a funny thing that most of us aren't really "us"! We are not the person we were meant to be or could have been without the influences of parents, school, church, spouses and society. As we grow up, most of us are molded into something less than our best. And by that I mean less than the best "You". We are pushed or encouraged to go to college and become a certain profession. We may be pushed to marry or marry for money or warned against marriage. We may be encouraged by our spouses to work or to stay at home, to remain dumb about money or to contribute. We may be told to be less tomboyish or to be more ladylike. There are a million different ways we are asked to fit in, to not make waves, or to be "normal".

One of our main jobs as adults is to figure out who we really are and who we are meant to be. I have a theory that the more authentic you are, that is, the more "the real you" you are, the happier you will be. In fact, I think not being yourself is the primary way most of us are unhappy. We are actually fighting ourselves in each and every moment. When we act as our true selves, we shine, we glow, we send off sparks. We have energy, we feel more at ease, we light up the world. When we are acting as someone else, we diminish our energy and feel uneasy in ourselves. We have many more difficulties such as poor health, poor relationships, confusion and indecision than we would if we were authentic.

Ask yourself these questions to start figuring out who you are meant to be.

1. What makes me light up or feel jazzed?
2. What things am I curious about that I'm avoiding?
3. Look back at the past five years. Can you identify a dozen things that you have said yes to? Things such as taking a certain career path? Marrying, divorcing or vowing bachelorhood? Particular fears you've allowed to take hold? In each case if you said yes to that action or path, what were you saying no to? These areas of "no" can be enlightening.
4. If you were writing your autobiography at this point in your life, what do you wish you could say?

Look at the answers to these questions and see if any areas that give you a glimpse into actions that are calling you. In 2008, try one or two of these to see if you can become more of the real you.

Labels: , , ,

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Can We Really Be Happy?

I believe that almost all of what we choose to do, have or be is done in the name of happiness. That is, if I do this or buy this or act this way, it will make me happier. The pursuit of happiness is a driving force in almost all of us. But how much of what we do is effective? Hardly any.

We most often look to our external situation to explain our unhappiness. I don't have enough money, therefore I'm unhappy. I don't have good health, therefore I'm unhappy. My spouse doesn't love me enough, therefore I'm unhappy. But what happens when we get these things? Studies show that when people win the lottery, after a few weeks or months, they return to their previous level of happiness or unhappiness. In other words, the money had a short-term effect on their happiness. You see this in relationships also. We find someone new, we fall in love, we're happy, it wears off, we're miserable. We find another, we fall in love, we're happy, it wears off, we're miserable or maybe just discontented. You get a new red sweater you've been wanting for ages, and the happiness last about five minutes.

Studies have also been done on how external situations affect happiness levels. They found that they didn't to any significant degree, and when they did have an effect, it didn't last. After all, there are people living with cancer or HIV that are extremely happy. There are those with nary a hangnail that complain all the time. There are wealthy miserable people and happy poor people. Studies have shown that genetics have at least a role to play in happiness. So does that mean we're stuck with whatever the genepool gave us? I don't think so.

We can change our overall level of happiness and have more sustained happiness by a three-pronged approach.

First is to meditate. Meditation changes your brain. It "trains" the mind to be quieter. It gives you a different perspective on life, more equanimity and calm, and more importantly (at least to me) is that it gives one distance from the dramas in life. It allows you to disengage from the things that normally would hook you and set you off. Let's say your husband does the same thing every week, like not taking out the garbage on garbage day. Every week you get mad, yell at him, take the trash out yourself and fume all day. When you are a regular meditator, the same event, your husband not taking out the trash may occur, but your reaction is totally different. You remain calm, objective and less emotional. You don't get "hooked" by this event.
I can't emphasize how important meditation is to my own happiness. It is not an immediate fix, but something that happens over time. You may meditate for a month or six months and then you'll one day notice how much calmer and happier you are.

Second is to avoid the things that make you unhappy or that do harm. You would think that this is obvious, but we don't seem to live our lives this way. How often do we choose to eat that bowl of fudge even though we know we're unhappy about our weight, we'll suffer from an upset digestive system, and we'll be miserable knowing that once again we "failed" at controlling our eating. How often do we indulge in buying things when we are deeply in debt, have debt collectors calling, cry at night about money, and yet we do it anyway? How often do we argue with our friends, our spouses or our children, knowing it makes them and ourselves unhappy? We know it is not constructive, but we do it anyway. So the decision has to be will this action make me happier or unhappier in the long run? Will this decision cause me harm or to suffer? Will it cause others harm or to suffer? Make the right choices and your life will be happier.

Third is to embrace (choose) the things that do make you happy. Do more of what makes you and others happy. Many of us deny ourselves the things that most excite us, that light us up. Maybe it is being outdoors or creating art, learning new things or spending time with children. Whatever it is, do more of it. Make more of your choices based on "will this add to my happiness or detract from it?" You'll probably notice that we hardly ever ask ourselves this question even though we yearn for happiness. It's a great question and can actually lead you to more happiness.

Choose happiness today.

Labels: , , , ,